# 34 - Insomnia is a funny thing

For some reason, when my insomnia kicks in I start thinking of the most random things.

Thought #1 - Some Random Ranting

Now, why do people have different odours when they perspire. Like, I remember a guy at high school that when he sweated he smelt a bit like lemons + Socks. One of my mates smells a bit like rotting parsley when thoroughly expired and another person I'm quite familiar with smells of wet dog.
Why do we all smell different, isn't all sweat made out of the same stuff?

Maybe its what goes into our bodies which makes the sweat smell differently.

I should experiment. Maybe if all I eat and drink is affiliated with chicken, I'll smell like chicken. And then i'll get all the chicks!
Har har har.

And I recently found out that people who originally come from spanish speaking backgrounds often get CH and SH mixed up.
So it's "Shicken" and "Choes".
"I went to the chop to get some choes but they had shicken so I asked them to shop off a piece".

w3rd.

I told you I think of random things.


Thought #2 - A little more structure

If you ever have the chance - check out Gordon! on youtube. Type in gordondip in youtube search and it's the little playdoh figures. I did all of the audio and the story and motion, my mate Andrew took the pictures and edited it.

Let me know what you think of Season 1! (it's only 4 episodes)


"Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts"

Hooroo All!

# 33 - The joys of knife

Har har har, I am so punny.

Actually, after about 5 minutes of writing on a random topic from a pun, i've decided to label it my first thought.

Thought #1 - Violence, Lawyers and Sensitive people

But seriously, its amazing how many people use violence to resolve an issue. Either that or suing. Taking money away from people, now how low can you go?
Fair enough if they took it from you first, like buglary or fraud, but say they accidentally nudged you and you spilt your Soy Mocha on your favourite shirt and favourite skin, and you sue them for OH&S issues because they shouldn't have slipped because they weren't wearing grippy shoes on a non-grip surface.
SUE THEM!
GET PAID $1857745382 JUST FOR A SMALL STAIN AND A BOO BOO!!
Therefore i've narrowed it down to either lawyers or violence to be the source of evil intentions.
Think about it.
What do people to do get revenge (an evil intention). They either get violent or sue. Too many angry people.

You know what shits me the most though (or as Peter Griffin would say "Grinds my Gears") is when people are taking offence to the smallest of things and blowing it out of proprotion.

Why the fuck are there so many overly sensitive people nowadays?
Complain about this and waa waa that. Fucktards. I read a story not long ago about a mum who was offended about there being a picture of a bum in a school book.

For Fucks Sake!

And then we have the people who are a few sandwiches short of a picnic who always wind up on Today Tonight or A Current Affair about some stupid story about how some slightly cleverer person stole something off them and DEY TOOK DER JEEERRRB!

For fucks sake!

I swear, everyone is going to end up like the overprotective mum who just wants everything to be perfect and innocent for their child.

Exhibit A

I swear, people in general need to harden the fuck up. Just man up, grow a pair and stop complaining about this and that (yes, I know its kinda hypocritical of my complaining about other people, but shut up). If people in general complained 50% less, I can almost garuntee we'd have 50% less lawsuits, revenge plots and rat tails.

Fuck I hate rat tails. Stupid hair cut.

Sorry, that's all for now, but it was fun!

*mosquitos have 47 teeth*

Hooroo all!

# 32 - The long awaited delay is over!

Sorry for the lack of bloggyness, but I've just got out of a huge rough patch with uni (cause, you know, even when you're prepared you still need to pull around 6 all-nighters). Anyhoo, there has been much to talk and Yak about, but I guess that I'll just need to say whatever has been on my mind recently.

...

That's it.

Nothing!

... haha, naa, but seriously..


Thought #1 - Cheap asian versions of products

Have you ever come across the cheaper, asian version of products you know and love? And then you look at these and you're like "Wow, that's a piece of shit."
I did just recently. In the markets, there was a cheaper version of Transformers Toys there called "The Changeable Robot". Apparently this one was supposed to be bumblebee:

Since when was Khaki and Sky Blue a good match?

Anyway. It got me thinking on just shoddy Asian products in general. And why do we always stereotype that as well?
Are all Asian products shonky?
I say no!
Just some Shonky Asians which give the rest of them a bad name.
I apologise so far if you've taken offence at this *cough*Andy*cough*.
I believe they give us fine produts such as these:

Seriously, where would you be without your PolyStation and your Colon Cleansing Tea wearing your Adidos jacket?
You'd be lost!

Anyhoo, enough. I just spent ages looking those pictures up, LOL.


Thought # 2 - Toilets in public places.

Why is it, whenever I go to a Bar or Pub they try and impress people with what's on their toilet door?
Its way more interesting to watch people double check they're going into the right one. I still remember one was "mates" and "pals" for the two sexes. I knew that "mates" was a guy, but I don't know how "pals" was girls. Like, Gal Pals?
I seriously just prefer "Men" and "Women". It saves a lot of confusion.
Though it is humerous.
I dunno.
And also, what is it with people writing stuff on toilet walls?
Like, all that screams out to me is "VIRGIN". And I bet the people feel so strong and great about themselves knowing they graffitid on a toilet stall wall.
At my uni there is one that says
"Slip a fat one in her pink bits."
Obviously this person has never had sex before. And probably never will. He probably plays WOW (World of Warcraft) too much and couldn't pick up even if he was in a brothel.
I did come across THIS funny pic though:

So that's what i've been doing wrong!

The ultimate way to avoid splash-back.


Anyhoo, I best be off, this has taken longer than expected...

*A cats urine glows under a black light*

Hooroo all!

# 31 - I sit and wonder on a chair, on a chair.

A new white leather chair.
Aww Yeah!

I shall now rant about random crap that makes me laugh.

Thought #1 - Funny names for drinks.

Whilst I was with a mate buying a 21st present in a Bottle-o. We came across this and we couldn't help ourselves but laugh:

And is that a penis in the back-ground?

Its extra old. From Barbados. And its from Mt. Gay. Gawd. This is just WIN

And we also saw this - but I couldn't take a photo, so i'll just google it:

Success! Gaymers Style.

Gaymers. Cider. It also comes (Har har har, punny) in PEAR cider.
Once again, pretty much WIN.
Lets find some more funny named drinks:




Alright!
Now i'm thirsty.

Thought #2 - English is a stuffed up language.

For example:
Why do Tomb, Comb and Bomb all sound different?
Its ridiculous. And so many combinations of letters give the same sound. Like F and Ph. C and K. G and J. Z and X (like Zone and Xylem). Also, how some words sound exactly the same but are spelt different. Like Hay and Hey have the same sound, only in the context of the sentence can we undertstand the difference. Been and Bean. Weather and Whether.
WTF?
Why would anyone want to learn our language if they've already got something else that is much simpler. I'm seriously thinking of learning latin because its so straight forward. I'm thinking that Hebrew is even better than English.
The only good thing that can come out of it is the simplicity of the design of the letters.
I'd like to see the YMCA done in Mandarin.
LOL.

Actually, it'll be way better if we all went back to Ancient Egypt and just had heiroglyphics. At least then everyone would have some sense of artistic talent (even post-modernists), and we'd know exactly what the person was writing about:


Its obvious that this is talking about a snakes adventure to a jar to get a semi-circle cookie. He gets the idea of the semi-circle cookie (As obvious from that shape about his head on the top left). He gets to the jar with the cookie, then realises he doesn't have any arms or hands (from the picture on the bottom right of an arm and hand holding a pube).
He somehow turns into a hammer and realises his life is much more meaningful as a hammer.

See?

So much easier than english.

But it'll be hilarious when people want to have a conversation with each other.

Person 1: "Bird, Bird, Eye, Snake, Semi-Circle Cookie"
Person 2: "Hand holding a pube. Man walking like and egyptian. Man with pot on his head."
Person 1: "Good point!"

*In the Caribbean, there are oysters than can climb trees*

Hooroo all!

# 30 - I'm craving craving something.

I'm sorry I haven't blogged for a while. Uni was extremely hectic with 2309574320957 assessments and my birthday just passes (yay for me).
Win.

BTW: Blue label is incredible. I still have 1/3 of a bottle from my partay.

Anyhoo.

Thought #1 - Drunkenness.

I reckon that being epically drunk is a lot like when you were a baby.
- You roll around on the floor a lot
- You dribble
- You puke
- Other people usually take care of you (if you're loved)
- Sometimes you shit yourself
- You can't speak coherently
- Fall over a lot
- Cry and can get emotional and chuck tanties

I mean, the list can go on and on.
I actually think its pretty hilarious for people to be in this state and still think that they have sex appeal. They look a little something like this:

Legen-ihopeyourenotlactoseintolerantbecausethenextpartis-dary.

Also, being epically drunk and not remembering the night before is also lots of fun.
Watching 'The Hangover', there were certain instances of that that made me laugh so hard, because I've been in that very same situation.
Not remembering what went down the night before.
Well, actually, most of the time its not the whole night, only parts.
And still, its funny, because people never tell you lies, they always say what you did. I reckon if someone asked that to me one time, i'll mess with them and tell them they chased a stray cat, caught it and started making out with it.
Their reaction - priceless.

There's some things money can't buy
But it can buy a shitload of booze.

Thought #2 - Coles and their lovely little quotes.
This is another stage of how Coles 'quotes' that people apparently say on their products is just stupid.

Exhibit A

This is tonic water.
It tastes like ass.
She doesn't have anything with the tonic water, just a nice clear glass of tonic water and a big smile on her face. Apparently this woman says that "Its a great drink when socializing with friends"
Fail.

Exhibit B

This woman owns a dog who apparently loves dog food. (Note that you can barely SEE the dog, yes, its a blurry picture, but trust me on this). Apparently the dog does handstands for the food. Don't all dogs go apeshit for food when you bring it out? I remember my dog goes bananas when I eat a pack of chips outside and I accidentally drop a crumb 5 minutes after she's had her meal. It also says that she's a dog owner down the bottom. NO SHIT!

Exhibit C

Its an experience to have this drink. A thirst quenching one at that. This is coming from a beach frizbee player named Jim.
What part about this doesn't have fail written all over it?
Over-the-top-cheesy. Plus they couldn't get a real athlete, so they get a random Dad from the beach and take a photo of him diving for a badly photoshopped frizbee.

Thanks Coles.


Thought #3 - More disgusting foods.

In the supermarket the other day, I came across this:

WTF??

Rollmops.
I'll say it again.
Rollmops.
The name doesn't even want you to eat it.
It sounds like something they'd sell you late at night to combat the Oxysteam WonderMop 2000X plus. The new and wonderful rollmop! It rolls as you mop, leaving no trace of dirt. Easy to glide! Only 2 easy payments of $19.95 (plus P&H).
I want to buy it, just to try it, just so I can have something to blog about each week, tasting a bunch of weird and disgusting foods.

Seriously.

Rollmops. Apparently its raw fish swimming in luke-warm brine.
Yum.

And another thing.
I can't stand the DIPping*** of maccas chips into the ice-cream. I tried it once. WRONG. And so many people do it.
Its like having a potato, but instead of sour cream, you have a blob of ice-cream in it. I've described that to people and they weren't fans of the idea, yet they'll still willingly DIP a CHIP*** into some maccas ice-cream.
Tell me please. What is so good about it?
Though hot chip sandwiches are the rad.

*The rumblings from your stomach are called borborygmi*

Hooroo All!

*** If you know about this, you are awesome.

# 29 - I need a break.

I swear, as soon as my final two uni assessments are done, i'm going to just relax my mind and just friggin music, exercise and get pissed.
Just make my braincells relax, and become more firm, because uni has turned them into mush.
Let me spell it out for you:
You have about 1 or 2 assessments a week. They aren't that easy either. Then when it gets to the massive 50% ones at the end of the semester, you have the same amount of time to do them as the smaller ones during. And they say "you should have started them earlier." HOW DO YOU START THEM EARLIER WHEN YOU ARE GIVING US OTHER ASSESSMENTS IN BETWEEN!!!
Good grief.


Thought #1 - How cheap are companies getting?

Like seriously.
I found this article in the paper saying that most of Mars chocolate bars have decreased by 11%, but are still being sold at the same price.
Why?
"Consumer preferred".
What consumer would prefer about a 6 gram difference in chocolate? Where the HELL do they get this information?
Its bullshit statistics deigned to fuck with mass societies head in order to create more revenue for the companies.
Its surprising how lessening the bar by 11% will do for a company. Consider this:
You now need to buy 11 bars for what you could've gotten for 10.

But its not just that.
I was at maccas with a mate the other week, and he got the chicken deluxe burger. This is how its supposed to look:

Fresh and crispy

And this is what he got:

A dish you wouldn't be proud of making.

Like seriously, what's up with that tomato? Its about the size of a five cent piece. What tomato is that small, and WHY would they put it in there? And why is there such a small amount of lettuce? Like seriously, as if lettuce is a costly thing.
(Yeah, i've already ripped on them before, but who cares)

But the bottom line:
We'll still buy this stuff for convenience. Why? Cause we're a lazy culture.


Thought #2 -The lack of intelligence some people have stiff dumbfound me.

Okay.
First things first.
I'm sick of this twilight fad.
I had this conversation with a mate as we lined up to catch a movie not too long ago, and i saw a poster still up for twilight, even though it has been released and is on DVD.
And I said to my mate "I wish twilight and the albino dude would die a horrible death."
To which a small young girl infront of me replied
"Edward can't die because he's a vampire, and Twilight is awesome!"
In a tone that you'd get if you said "Yes, you look fat" to a woman.
Oh. Moi. Gawd.
Also, this dude is the definition of pale and every teen girl seems to dig him:

Paleness goodness.

Which, to me, is one step away from this:

Ginger Kids

Soon, all the girls will be going wild for Ginger!

I mean, an entry from a website I often look at even shows how far this show is getting:

"Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy of her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML"

*sigh*
I actually feel for this bloke.

Another is this stupid quiz thing that's going around on facebook.
"What does your hair colour mean?"
"What do your eyes say?"
"What type of Gay are you?"
"What Astro Boy character are you?"

WHO FUCKING CARES.

Christ, its like some people seek attention that hard, that they spam up your facebook with all these quizzes, then invite you to do some.
No joke, I got about 21 invites in the course of one day from just ONE person.
WTF is up with that?
Also, people can now make their own quizzes like "how well do you know me?"
I've got a better experiment that i'm going to do:
Change my birthday to the wrong day. Just two days earlier. If people TRULY know me, then they'll wait until my actual birthday. If they don't, they'll just look at the calender and send my "Happy birthday!" messages and try and seem like a good friend, when really, they should know.
It'll be the best Fail-age in history.
... if only I was THAT big of an ass.

*To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles*

Hooroo all!

# 28 - Inside insanity

I think i'm half-insane.
Then again, aren't we all?
But myself especially. I think I got an extra dose of the crazyness.
For example, while finishing off my massive essay earlier this week, I hadn't had much sleep the 4 previous nights (about 3 hours maybe?), so by this time, I was extremely overtired and had way too many energy drinks. I started losing my shit man. For some ridiculous reason, I put undies on my head. I must put a skidmark joke in here somewhere. But seriously, I don't know why. I just thought it was a good idea at the time. Luckily it didn't mess up my streaked hair (har har har... ok, that was poor).
*sigh*

Lets just kick things off straight away, because I'm obviously not funny at the moment. Maybe some humour will come to mee as i'm typing away.

Thought #1 - Product and personal ad kill.
I'm going to kill the actual product, NOT the ad this time.
Dun Dun Dunnnn!

Isn't that just cute???

*sigh*
I swear, all these pet products that are coming out are just stupid. I highly doubt that the cat is going to learn what words are.
And how stereotypical! A cat learning what a 'mouse' is. I swear, people don't give cats a chance to be vegetarian. What happens if I cat only likes tofu and wants to befriend mice? People are so judgemental.
Speaking of this stuff, if cats like mice so much, why isn't there 'mice flavoured' or even mice in cat food?

Oh. Moi. Gawd.

Now isn't this something that EVERYONE wants to have. Their own colonoscopy set! I love how there's some vaso there too, and that there's a picture of a man smiling. Like, seriously, I'm not sure if you'd be smiling too much if you had this thing shoved up your ring.
"Self examinations have never been so easy!"
"As seen on tv!"
"Don't put your rectal health off any longer!"
... do I seriously need to crack any jokes? This speaks for itself.

Its a special SWINE FLU mask.

I don't really need to comment. It just goes to show that things go up in price with a hype. I hate shit like this. There is 9 bucks difference.
And since does masks cost FORTY THREE FREAKIN DOLLARS???!??!?
Like seriously. I can show you an awesome way of making a mask!

Step 1: Get a napkin/serviette.

Happy Napkin.

Step 2: Poke eye holes

A holy happy napkin.

Step 3: get an elastic band or a piece of cord/string and put around head and napkin like so:

Hawt.

DONE!
Alternatively, you could probably use paper, toilet paper or other cheap and easy materials. I think this cost me a whole 3 cents. 20 can be done for under a buck. I'm awesome. You can also be emo and have a fringe with your napkin mask!

I hate the world... and 3 ply tissues.

You can choose to make it colourful and colour it in more and make fairly ones and even draw happy paintings on them such as daffodils, but I didn't have the time (nor the sanity).
Though, I had an interesting thought:
Isn't 'Swine Flu" just the past tense of "pigs fly"?
Dun Dun DUNNNNNN

I is cleverest.

You know, I reckon i'll end it there, i'm getting a bit tired. Sorry for the short post. (The napkin thing took some effort.

*Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy*

Hooroo all!