#8 - Chicken Schnitzels and other foul matters

Har har har, i'm sooooo punny.

Oh well

Dudes and Dudettes, may I remind you that if you read my blog... YOU SHOULD COMMENT! That's all I ask.
I have a fair amount of page views, but only a few amount of people comment.
Not fair.
I go to all this work in creating stuff that just...
Ah screw it. As long as you laugh, i'm happy.

Thought #1 - Itching and Scratching.

May I ask the question, why on earth do we sometimes get itchy for no reason.

And why on earth do we scratch, and not, rub or pat the itchy area?

My hand just got itchy. I have no idea why. I had a great speculation, realised nothing was there TO make it itchy, but when I scratched it, the itchyness went away... for about 5 seconds!
WHY does it come back worse?????
I swear we're tortured like that. Our human instincts are to scratch something thats itchy or anything with a "scratch and sniff" sticker, but our body reacts in such a way that makes it worse than it originally was!!!
Why??
Also, why on earth are we tormented by these stupid things:
They have to be the single most good-for-nothing and pathetic creature ever. What do they do?

1) Suck your blood. I like my blood. 'Nuff said.

2) Make the bite extremely itchy. Have you ever had one in between your fingers or in between your toes? They are terrible. Even worse is on your nipple.
... don't ask.

3) They carry disease. They carry deadly diseases and viruses, and therefore, are a complete plague on society. The only other annoying plague I can think of is George Bush.

Anyhoo, back on itching, there is only 1 good thing I can think of that comes out of itchyness. That is, of course, when you pick your nose in a style that looks like your scratching it, and then you say
"sorry my nose is itchy"
and you get away with it.

Yay in the pants.


Thought #2 - Poo

Well, I think all of you knew this was coming. I was going to write a blog on poo. Here, my friends, is a short list of the type of poos you may do:

Ghost Poo
You can smell it. You can feel it. You can hear it plop, but low and behold, when you look, it's not there!

Poo whisperer
This is a poo which you need to strain and strain and talk yourself through getting through doing it.

The Windy Nugget
As you can imagine, its a poo that follows and is followed by great farts. This is usually a very satisfying poo.

The Embarrassment Log
This is The Windy Nugget in a crowded toilet cubicle or at a quiet family dinner, because, as we all know, when you're sitting on the toilet, farts are 100x louder. The bowl is like an amplifier.

POOpsie daisy.....
This is one of the funniest poos. Its when you go to really push out for a fart, but something more solid follows quickly.

Shy Poo
This is the one, very similar to the Poo Whisperer, where you push and push and push, though only a very small plop happens. Its the smallest nugget you've ever seen. You feel really ripped off when this happens. I know I do.

Bastard Poo
This is the poo that you feel arriving towards your bumcheeks 3 minutes after the Shy Poo. What does that nugget want???

Holy Poo
This is the one that comes out so quick and burns your ring that you usually whisper "Holy Poo" (Other words may be in place of poo)

Very Holy Poo
This one is too big for your bum, but tries to squeeze out anyway. This one hurts like no tomorrow, and many whisperings (or shoutings) of "Holy poo" may occur.

Very Very Holy Poo
The Pope's Poo. He'll bless the toilet after its flushed.

Anyhoo, that'll be all for today. I hope your poo is exciting and satisfying.

*The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache*

Hooroo all!

#7 - Writing Block

I dunno, but I think my brain is slowing down, and i'm not getting as many humerous ideas these days. Oh well, I guess that i'll just keep on being silly and maybe many ideas might just spring upon me as i'm writing.

Thought #1 - Hair in unusual places

I have been thinking, why on earth does hair grow in certain places of our body. For example, why is there quite a large amount of hair on our head? Why not our kneecaps? What purpose does it serve?
Ok, fair enough it makes some people look prettier, and others, well... they look like bums, but still, it baffles me why there's a large tuft of hair right on the top of our head.
And why (this one baffles me the most) does it grow around our genatles? I can't think of any good or decent reason to have hair there.
I realise we have a thin layer of hair everywhere which helps our sense of touch, but why on earth do we have big clumps of it on our head, under our arms and downstairs? What about eyebrows? What purpose do they serve? Eyelashes help protect your eyes, what do eyebrows do? Allow something else for a person to wax?
All these questions are making me thirsty.. I need a drink.
Mmm.... solo.
Ok.. where was I?
Oh yeah, Hair.

Another idea is that we're supposed to have thick hair all over our body like a dog or Robin Williams, but we've evolved and lost hair from our body.
So about 10000 years from now we'll all be completely bald?

Sexy....

Thought #2 - You can't be serious...

Advertisements.
How ridiculous they can be.
(yes, it's another picture whoring, but i'll put some writing with it too, just because i'm nice)
First up is this item found in a catalogue:
Now, i'm not one to judge, but how the heck are serving tongs trendy? Look out dinner parties, Trendy Tongs have hit the table!!! For goodness sake, they can't be extremely trendy if they're $1.50. C'mon. I knew there was a trendier way of serving things on a table... and now i've found my answer!!!

Now here's an ad that kinda makes no sense at all. Ok, I can read frenchinesian or whatever the bloody language is, but I know this: A pig would not be smiling like that if it's cutting itself, unless it was an emo pig:

Wonderful portayal I reckon.
Anyhoo, secondly, I don't think a pig can stand on its hind legs, ON TOP of its OWN slicings, and hold a knife with his wrist.
Man, that pig is talented.
May I also point out the extremely inconvenient placing of the tail?

This one just speaks for itself, and in all, is just a funny picture.
I'm sure people want to do yoga now!

More like the King Shit of all iPod docking stations! Now there is no way this is functional in any way, shape or form, and no-one I know calls their toilet the "throne room". If anything, it's a potty, dunny, "Little boys/girls room", Thunderbox or just plain ol' crapper.
Also, "perfect for the man who has everything"...? What? Perfect for the idiotic man who obviously has a bowel problem and needs a colonic.
This item is just plain ridiculous.
And if anyone DIDN'T know, right in the bottom right hand corner "Made for iPod".
I thought it was made for the man who has everything...

Anyhoo, i'm off for now. Be sure to use the word "eclectic" every day this week.

*The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.*

Hooroo all!

# 6 - It's been a while...

Sorry about the delay between my blogs, i get a bit carried away, especially when I go on holidays. Anyhoo, time for some random babbling:

Thought #1 - Two wrongs CAN make a right

I came up with a brilliant thought. Two wrongs can make a right, I can garuntee it. Let me explain my case example.
Everyone loves those post-boxes which the postie puts the flag up if they've got mail, and the owner puts the flag down when they take their mail. You know the one's i'm talking about.
Say someone is walking down the street and sees one of these letterboxes with the flag poking up, meaning the person living at that house has mail. They decide to be cheeky, put the flag down, so then the owners won't check it (har har har, what a prank).
BUT
Alas, someone else walks past at a later time, and seeing the flag down, presumes they don't have mail, but wants to be mean and nasty and make them walk 10 metres to the letterbox (how could he) and then puts the flag up, laughing hysterically to himself, little knowing that his 'wrong' in his head made the whole thing right again.

Everyone see how grand my theory is?

Shh... I'm a jenius.*

Thought #2 - Brand Names & Advertisements

Millions are spent on advertising companies products and even just the company themself. Why on earth don't people double check some of their stuff? I saw the other day, a billboard which made my day. It was for a jeweller company, and it had two rings, one standing up on top of one lying down. It looked a LOT like a toilet seat. To make matters worse, there was a guy and a girl in the picture, and the girl was half squatting as if she was doing a poo.
LOL.

... well i thought it was funny anyway.

Let me show you another few examples I managed to discover:






And my favourite:

Seamless.

Thought #3 - Weird things people do.

I just read a story. Read this for yourself and try not to laugh.

Newark teenager Ralph Hardy confessed to ordering an extra credit card from his dad's existing credit card company and taking his pals on a US$30,000 spending spree, which culminated in them playing "Halo" on an Xbox with the hookers in a Texas motel.

The $1000-a-night prostitutes were released without charge but Ralph was given a three year community order upon his conviction on May 9, money.co.uk reported.

The prostitutes told police they grew suspicious when the kids said they'd rather play Xbox than play with them.

Authorities were alerted to the motel by a delivery clerk who, after delivering supplies of Dr Pepper, Oreos and Fritos, was asked by the kids where they could hire some escorts.

They young Lotharios explained they'd just won big at a "World of Warcraft" tournament and wanted to relax.

The delivery clerk called the police who arrived to find $3,000 in cash, electronic gadgets, an Xbox console and games, plus the two prostitutes.

Ralph reportedly told the officers his dad wouldn't mind, because he'd turned 13 the previous week and he'd forgot to get him a present.

Ralph and Co. told the working girls they were people of restricted growth working with a traveling circus.

They added that State law did not allow discrimination against the disabled so they had no right to refuse them.

Explaining why he ordered two escorts, Ralph said he thought it was the done thing when you win a "World of Warcraft" contest.

The prostitutes ended up playing "Halo" with the kids instead of having sex with them.

Now what a fantastic party that would have been.
It almost seems like the prostitutes were disappointed in playing Xbox.

Anyhoo... enough scavenging.

"The flushing toilet was invented Before toilet paper"

Hooroo all!

* Yes, it was meant to be spelt with a j.