Is it just me, or when your tummy rumbles, you want to fart too?
I know I always do. Either that or burp.
You know, i've done categories of poo, but I haven't done categories of farts yet. I shall now categorise the most common farts that you'll hear according to me.
Thought #1 - Categorisation / Classification of farts
Ninja Fart - These farts are often known as "Silent but deadlies" (SBD's) or Blind farts, but basically you'll let these rip without a sound, but will easily singe some nose hairs with its lethally pungent aroma.
Fudgy Farts - The farts that come with a little bit more than expected...
Drop-and-go's (D&G) - Those small little annoying farts people may do as they leave an elevator or a shopping isle and quickly piss off, and the innocent people who walk into them cop a lovely lung-full of fresh gas.
Morning Freshies - These ones my dad usually rips out when he's bending over, unpacking the dishwasher in the morning. They're fresh as they've been brewing in your bowels for a while when you're in bed, and they come out sounding like your bum is choking a chicken cross with stepping on frogs. Barrel full of laughs. These are also usually used in conjunction with bed-warmers.
Bed-Warmers - The ones you do in bed in winter to keep you warm. They truly do warm you under the sheets! I wouldn't stick your head under there though...
The Ripper - The most common of farts. Its loud, it sounds like the ripping of a chainsaw, it may/may not have a smell, but the creator is always extremely content after letting these off.
Trumpeters - These are the ones that almost sound very similar to a trumpet. You can get many different tones, and I believe that its probably from what you eat, such as high carbs like bread may give you lower notes, but high protein like tuna may give you higher ones. I'd love to see a performance of these farts though, but preferrably in an outdoor ampitheatre.
Hidden surprise - These ones usually end up having an aroma, even though the creator never wanted them to. This is because, whom who hath farted, wanted to conceal it by making a noise or doing something weird. This is usually done my a fake cough, clearing of a throat, stamping of foot or yelling something stupid. Synchronisation rarely occurs though and it draws even more attention on the farter.
OMGWF - "Oh my god who farted!" is the response to this particular fart. It can be any fart, but the respose is priceless. I crack up when I just see the reaction on peoples faces change when they've just smelt a fart. Gold.
The Omen - This fart can be easy to pick if you watch the farter closely. They'll let this one rip, and then look at the john and slowly ease their way there. Absolutely classic to watch if you see it.
The Sonic Boom Fart - This fart is immense. It is extremely loud and usually happens on the dunny or when you're in the blast-off position. It carries a large amount of air and its probably rattled a few windows.
Shaking Gas - This fart is the one that vibrates the farter. If the farter is sitting on a lounge with other people, it usually vibrates them too. It has a lot of potential energy, that it actually shakes people.
Anal speech - These farts almost sound like your bum is saying words. I swear mine said "burger" the other day.
Anal speech impediment - These farts seem like they want to say something, but never can. Something like : pt, pt, pt, pt-pt, poot, pt pt, p, p, p, RRRRIP, p *trumpeter*. Hilarious to listen to, and surprisingly usually don't smell.
Reluctant fart - This fart just doesn't want to come out. Its the one where you go to your mates "I've got one I've got one!!!!!" and nothing happens. Its very content living in your sphincter. I hate these farts. And then they'll let out at the most inappropriate time too. GAH!!!
The Lingering Master - This fart just lingers. It stinks like something crawled up there and died, and it'll stay there. For a LONG time. My record was when I had uni one day, I farted in my car just before I got out. It was still there 4 hours later.
Well, that'll be all for today!
*The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. *
Hooroo all!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
# 12 - The lack of talent.
Is it just me or do people find that there is a large lack of talent all around us lately?
Here are a few case examples:
Thought #1 - The Top 20 music charts
Good grief what a bunch of crap this list has become. Where did the days of talented musicians go? Nowadays, all a smart producer does is pick a random soap (hot girl) from the street, and this ensues:
"Can you sing?"
"Not really..."
"Doesn't matter, you're going to have a hit!"
*insert a repetetive 4 chord pattern, lets say, the ice-cream chord pattern, which involves I, V, vi, IV respectively.*
*insert OOhs, Aahs and a simple harmony to the melody line that was trained into the random soap*
*insert raunchy video clip*
#1 HIT!
Its complete bullshit.
I could write better songs with my anus.
A perfect example is Rhianna. Her songs aren't fantastic. Woop, good voice, but voice does NOT make music. Her song "please don't stop the music" I looked up on the net how to play it. This is what came up:
D x 4
F# x 4
repeat.
Like, wtf? How is that talent? And its so damn repetitive.
Another example is that band... The Ting Tings. Soap singer, average to sub-par music, and the lyrics almost make me cry.
"That's not my name, that's not my name, my name isn't Steve, my name isn't Frederick, my name isn't Cecil, My name isn't Sakhdeep, my name isn't !Xobile, that's not my name"
*sigh*
The best one I can think of is the Pussy-on-a-stick Dolls, I mean, Pussydollssatonafatcat, i mean, Pussycat Drools. For crying out loud, only 1 of them can sing! And they're considered a band?? This is just completely poor. People who think this should really be given a few prozac, a toothpick, half a happy meal and put in a straight jacket and sent to the Moon. And they're trying to inspire a league of strong and powerful women not idolised as 'pieces of meat' yet they strut around on tv with skimpy outfits. Turn the volume down on one of their video clips and you have softcore porn. If you combine one of their video clips without audio with an audio clip of womens tennis, you have almost a full porno.
Yay in the pants.
Thought #2 - Australian idol.
This show is the pinnacle of the exploitation and exporting of crap. Its a poor excuse for a talent show, and not one person consistently sells excellent records. You don't see them getting nominated for any arias anytime soon do you?
The thing is, they could INVEST this money to PROMOTE upcoming and promising Australian bands like KARNIVOOL, but obviously they have no idea that Australian music is going down the toilet because of the waste of money and time from the piss-poor ametuerism that comes day in and day out of shows like this.
The thing that shits me the most out of this who show is that you could have the best voice in the entire world, but if you can't be marketed, you won't win. Period. They just look for the most marketable person, rather than the person with the most talent. I want to write into the show and ask for a few things
1) Get the people in the final 12 to compose their own song within, lets say, 1 day. 2 Days max. Reckon they could pull it off? I reckon the crowd would be pulling their ears off, that's about it.
2) Have a classically trained and qualified professional musician within the judging panel. Get rid of one (or more) of those know-nothing-about-music fags out of the panel and replace them with Percival, the professionally trained classical musician from the Conservatorium of music or some shit, who can tell the people feedback MUSICALLY, not how they don't foshizzle this dizzle on the nizzle on stage.
3) Do tests. Say, pick a harmony from certain notes with underlying chords. Ask them what a tri-tone would be, or compoud rhythm... oh wait.. the judges don't even know what they are, HAHAH.
Sorry for the rant, but I really hate this crap.
*Whale calves may suckle up to 13 years on their mothers lactation*
Hooroo all!
Here are a few case examples:
Thought #1 - The Top 20 music charts
Good grief what a bunch of crap this list has become. Where did the days of talented musicians go? Nowadays, all a smart producer does is pick a random soap (hot girl) from the street, and this ensues:
"Can you sing?"
"Not really..."
"Doesn't matter, you're going to have a hit!"
*insert a repetetive 4 chord pattern, lets say, the ice-cream chord pattern, which involves I, V, vi, IV respectively.*
*insert OOhs, Aahs and a simple harmony to the melody line that was trained into the random soap*
*insert raunchy video clip*
#1 HIT!
Its complete bullshit.
I could write better songs with my anus.
A perfect example is Rhianna. Her songs aren't fantastic. Woop, good voice, but voice does NOT make music. Her song "please don't stop the music" I looked up on the net how to play it. This is what came up:
D x 4
F# x 4
repeat.
Like, wtf? How is that talent? And its so damn repetitive.
Another example is that band... The Ting Tings. Soap singer, average to sub-par music, and the lyrics almost make me cry.
"That's not my name, that's not my name, my name isn't Steve, my name isn't Frederick, my name isn't Cecil, My name isn't Sakhdeep, my name isn't !Xobile, that's not my name"
*sigh*
The best one I can think of is the Pussy-on-a-stick Dolls, I mean, Pussydollssatonafatcat, i mean, Pussycat Drools. For crying out loud, only 1 of them can sing! And they're considered a band?? This is just completely poor. People who think this should really be given a few prozac, a toothpick, half a happy meal and put in a straight jacket and sent to the Moon. And they're trying to inspire a league of strong and powerful women not idolised as 'pieces of meat' yet they strut around on tv with skimpy outfits. Turn the volume down on one of their video clips and you have softcore porn. If you combine one of their video clips without audio with an audio clip of womens tennis, you have almost a full porno.
Yay in the pants.
Thought #2 - Australian idol.
This show is the pinnacle of the exploitation and exporting of crap. Its a poor excuse for a talent show, and not one person consistently sells excellent records. You don't see them getting nominated for any arias anytime soon do you?
The thing is, they could INVEST this money to PROMOTE upcoming and promising Australian bands like KARNIVOOL, but obviously they have no idea that Australian music is going down the toilet because of the waste of money and time from the piss-poor ametuerism that comes day in and day out of shows like this.
The thing that shits me the most out of this who show is that you could have the best voice in the entire world, but if you can't be marketed, you won't win. Period. They just look for the most marketable person, rather than the person with the most talent. I want to write into the show and ask for a few things
1) Get the people in the final 12 to compose their own song within, lets say, 1 day. 2 Days max. Reckon they could pull it off? I reckon the crowd would be pulling their ears off, that's about it.
2) Have a classically trained and qualified professional musician within the judging panel. Get rid of one (or more) of those know-nothing-about-music fags out of the panel and replace them with Percival, the professionally trained classical musician from the Conservatorium of music or some shit, who can tell the people feedback MUSICALLY, not how they don't foshizzle this dizzle on the nizzle on stage.
3) Do tests. Say, pick a harmony from certain notes with underlying chords. Ask them what a tri-tone would be, or compoud rhythm... oh wait.. the judges don't even know what they are, HAHAH.
Sorry for the rant, but I really hate this crap.
*Whale calves may suckle up to 13 years on their mothers lactation*
Hooroo all!
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