#5 - Uni is done! And flatulence is funny.

Huzzah, finally, everything for Uni is finished for the semester, all I need to do now is wait anxiously for my results. I shouldn't be anxious considering I know I put in the effort, but, sometimes you can't help but worry. And that makes me fart.

Thought # 1 - Farting IS funny.

You know, I honestly think farting was created for humour. When you sit down and truly think about it, there isn't much else in nature that's funnier than a fart. Besides an Orangutan scratching its bum or Michael Jackson, although he's not really natural.
I honestly find flatulence hilarious, but most people when farted near all have the same reaction:

I never understood why...

As I have been thinking (which is hard), instead of farting like we usually do, we could have been designed that the gas escaped through the pores of our skin flawlessly and didn't make a sound, also that it wouldn't smell by using some chemical reaction.
Not to be.
Farting makes a very funny sound and it smells bad.
People always say "It wouldn't be that bad if it wasn't for the smell".
Here's my hypothesis: Farts smell purely so deaf people can enjoy it too.
Reminds me of another poem (I know, I'm on fire with my poems lately)

A Belch is but a gust of wind
That cometh from the Heart,
But should it take a downward turn,
Turneth into a Fart

So if you're going to fart, fart proud! If you think about it, your bum cheeks are merely applauding. And own up to it. No-one likes someone who drops their guts and then pisses off. That's just plain festy.

Although it is fun in Woolies and quickly changing to a different aisle.


Thought #2 - The fool and the wise-ish

You know, I've noticed recently that many of my mates, and I guess people in general, want to ponder and make their intelligence stand out and try and do this through looking wise by making some sort of saying. Either that or try and make their sentences always have a big word or something with insight. Gherkin. I, for one, prefer the method of saying whatever pops into your head (not all the time, that can annoy many people) and most things are quite stupid, but the occasional one will stand out so much better because everything you said previously was silly.

Try it, you might like it.
But I still can't believe it's not butter.


Thought #3 - Funny "Confucius say" jokes

Because I can't think of anything funny, I'll put stuff up which I think is funny.

Confucius say....
- Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.
- Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
- Man standing on toilet is high on pot.
- Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk
- Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky fingers
- Man with one chopstick go hungry.
- Man who farts in church sits in his own pew!
- Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
- He who makes love in grass, gets piece on earth
- He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons
- Crowded elevator smell different to midget
- A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose
- Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time
- Man who sneeze without hanky take matter in his own hands

Anyhoo, i'll be off

take care all!

* If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.*

#4 - My left nostril hurts

This week started quite chumly, and ended sour, so onto my first thought quite quickly:

Thought #1 - My week

Many issues arose within the week, but I guess the main thing is my bass is broken. This means Clara has passed away. Clara was like a bass to me.

The truss rod inside the neck has snapped and the place it's been snapped is digging into the cavity of the wood. Can't be fixed, only replaced.
Wait, there's more.
What's better is that I have a performance assessment on Tuesday and Wednesday specifically for 5-sting bass and I don't know anyone who has one. Just peachy.
And it gets better.
The store I bought it from Liquidated and closed down, meaning the warranty that came with the bass is void. The only possible option is to send it back to the manufacturing company/dealer of the brand (Ibanez - if you know guitars, its a DECENT brand) and I'm without a bass for around 1-2 months. And I don't know if it's even going to cost me anything yet.

Fucking beautiful.


And THAT my friends, is only issue #1 of my week.

It honestly keeps getting better and better. At this rate, I'll end up breaking both hands causing severe trauma so i can't play bass, guitar, piano, just music in general, and then my voice box will rupture so I can't sing. Then an Alien Space-ship will squish Condor (my car) and I'll be beamed to Zargon 19 where they'll bury me alive with Big Ted from Playschool. Who farts in the tomb. Constantly.

Well... I'm still managing to put a smile on my face somehow, but maybe that's my brain protecting itself from a break-down.

I might go through the index of B-Z of my problems another week.


Thought #2 - Slinkies and Shampoo (loving the alliteration)

How many times have you had a goofy look on your face while a slinky tumbled down the stairs? I know I have. I can almost garuntee I've made you want a slinky and a large staircase now too. I also was thinking, many people are like slinkies: They're useless, but you'll always smile seeing one tumble down the stairs. It also reminds me of an episode of Futurama where Bender goes Bend-Crazy and bends everything. When he did it to Dr. Zoidberg's slinky, it ended up like this:

MY SLINKY!!!!!

And tries to fix it, and ends up like this:

It even catches on fire.

Shampoo.
Shampoo.
You're laughing aren't you? I am. It's even got "poo" in it.
Wouldn't it make much more sense to call it "hairwash"? Now I know you're laughing at hairwash. You dirty individual. If someone didn't know what shampoo is, and you said "I'm going to shampoo my hair", they'd be quite confused as to what you're doing with your hair. They would conjure up images of you buying cheap chook poo from the Saturday markets and rubbing it in your hair.
Actually, when you deconstruct the word shampoo its two words "sham" and "poo". So basically it contains:
"Sham", as if someone has given you a hard deal. Basically ripped you off big time.
And
"poo", Fecal Matter. Deffication.
So basically its someone who's ripped you off of poo. It's a poo sham.

I repeat: Shampoo is a Poo Sham.

Even look at some of the brands:
Herbal essence (Cow Poo)
Garnier Fructis (Fruit bat poo)
Schwarzkopf (Cop poo from a guy named Schwarz)

It makes sense!


Although the softness and the clean feeling is to die for.

*Among other things, ancient Egyptians worshipped cabbages*

Hooroo all.

#3 Ramblings and other fecal matters...

Well... what an interesting few days. I reckon that if I had enough time, i'd build a time machine and do it all differently, and then build another time machine to go back and do it all the same as the first time, but to be an asshole to the rest of the universe.
Sorry everyone.

Well... not really, but it has been an interesting few days, one of the highlights being:

Thought #1 - The World's Greatest Shave

This was a big day with a few good things coming out of it, mostly my face like this:

Yes, that says "I like boys" on my forehead

My legs going through this:

Silky and smooth

My singing and playing completely underwhelming everybody:

Turn that crap off!!

And everyone joining in on ultimate scissors paper rock, where the winner was just so overwhelmed:

He was thrilled

Even though I hardly knew anyone, it was a good day and for a great cause. Everyone who I didn't know was left with the impression that I'm a complete tool, and everyone who I did know was sick of me as I hung around them like a bad smell.
Perfect way to make friends.


Thought #2 - Nosepick

One of the most common things people have with each other is that they picked their nose at least once in their past week. It might have been in bed or with people and pretending to scratch their nose, but you know you did it at some point. Good ol' boogie. Green gold. I think is was created just so children, retards and people in cars have something to snack on when they're bored. It comes in an easy to reach place and theres usually plenty of it.

Even the Queen does it

The funny thing is that kids complain about having to eat stuff considered food, like broccholi, beans and spam, but will willingly dig their finger into their own nose, pick a winner and stick it in their mouth for a chew. Reminds me of a little poem (no, it doesn't involve kumquats):

Max sat on the burning deck, picking his nose like mad
Rolled it into little balls and pinged them at his dad

Beautiful poem

Thought #3 - My first third thought

*Insert reflective rant (If you prefer my more humourous posts, stop reading here)*
Don't ever get sleeplessness.
It sucks.
It makes your brain wander and wander within those hours you're awake.
What's worse, is that MY brain wanders, and that's never good. And it starts to wander about emotional crap. Life, relationships, ideas... you know...
This leads to even worse insomnia because of my thinking.
And ta-da you have me on around 3-6 hours sleep most nights.


... gotta love those rare sleep-ins.


Anyhoo, random fact time:
*Fish can hiccup*

Hooroo all!

#2 - Couldn't wait...

I couldn't wait another whole week to blog my heart out. I knew I had to spill some of my random thoughts to some random people who are drunk, smacked the keyboard twice and came up with "Plogywid" on Google search, and who would love to read some random stupid thoughts.
Anyway...

Thought # 1 - Funny Words

Ever noticed how some words are just hilarious. For example, i'd be in a conversation, and someone would just use the word "moist" and the imagery you get from it is just hilarious. Just a few words that I find hilarious (excuse the dots, it doesn't register more than once space)
Soy...............................................Phagocyte.
Bunyip.........................................Elephant.
Ointment.....................................Herpes.
Fern.............................................Anenome.
Shampoo.....................................Nipple.
Turnip.........................................Michael Jackson.
Egg...............................................Emu.
Moon...........................................Teabag.
Fish..............................................Hippo.
Alpaca..........................................Moist.
Ferret..........................................Percy.

As I said... just a few.
But I garuntee that you laughed at at least one of the words there.
Also just resist saying "ointment" . You know you want to say it. Just one more time.


Thought #2 - Things you shouldn't laugh at but you still do.

You know those small things that happen every day that you know you shouldn't laugh at, but you still do. Can happen to both animals and hunmans. A case example would be:
A man which is a bit on the chubby side is running to catch up to a bus which he just missed. I know you're laughing at the imagery.

Another one:
You just see someone get pooped on by a bird. You know it happens to you sometimes and you hate it when people laugh at you, but you laugh anyway.

Something like this

I must be just a mean person, but it sometimes is just funny.
Another few case examples:





And if you're on 56k net, you fail too.

Anyway, I better stop, otherwise I'd ramble on too much.

*Baby fetuses burp*

Hooroo all!

#1 - We've begun!

Why oh why did I start a blog?
Ohhh... that's right, like most people I wanted to express thoughts and feelings that nobody would read about.

Who cares anyway?
I do, but that's a story for another day.

Anyhoo, onto random thoughts.

Thought #1 - Big Brother:

Who on god's earth honestly enjoys watching this dribble? I have much better things to do than watch a bunch of bogans in some over-fancy house dressed in a singlet and ugg boots discuss the finer points of what goes into a blender or which floss is best for their toenails. What's worse is there is some freaky guy watching them 24/7 and telling them what to do as if they're mindless drones. I think the guy might look something like this:

I knew it...

The fact is, you'd need to be a mindless drone to even enter big brother, let alone to watch it. Actually, even drones would be embarrassed to go on the show. Thank heavens that this is most likely the last season of it, and I can go bad to watching re-runs of Simpsons or Futurama over and over again like most other people enjoy.
Thank God for Foxtel. Just gives us more crap to watch.

Thought #2 - Uni assessments

Who in their right mind creates these small tasks from hell? And here's the stupid thing, why on earth pile them all up at once??? For pete's sake, my 4 subjects had about 2 assessments due each all within 2 weeks. Now that wouldn't be so bad if it was spaced out a little, but NOOOOO, that's just too hard. They're all within the same building and same faculty too. Looks like there's lots of communication there...
Well, at least I'm finished except for one performance which is improv. Free improv. Not all that difficult.
Also what shits me to tears is the complete bias towards classical music and how its basically so much better than anything else. One of the lecturers I have only listens to classical. Nothing else, and when we get to do a presentation on music we like (this is popular music) we usually get this reaction:

You listen to WHAT!!??

And when they put all this stupid talk on you, which makes complete sense in their head and makes no sense in yours, you end up looking like this:

This just speaks for itself

Oh well. Its better just to do it than fight it I guess....

I'll also put a random fact each week so everyone can have some IQ points left:
*In Equitorial Guinea, it's illegal to name your child Monica.*

Hooroo all!