# 13 - The ramblings of a stomach

Is it just me, or when your tummy rumbles, you want to fart too?

I know I always do. Either that or burp.

You know, i've done categories of poo, but I haven't done categories of farts yet. I shall now categorise the most common farts that you'll hear according to me.

Thought #1 - Categorisation / Classification of farts

Ninja Fart - These farts are often known as "Silent but deadlies" (SBD's) or Blind farts, but basically you'll let these rip without a sound, but will easily singe some nose hairs with its lethally pungent aroma.

Fudgy Farts - The farts that come with a little bit more than expected...

Drop-and-go's (D&G) - Those small little annoying farts people may do as they leave an elevator or a shopping isle and quickly piss off, and the innocent people who walk into them cop a lovely lung-full of fresh gas.

Morning Freshies - These ones my dad usually rips out when he's bending over, unpacking the dishwasher in the morning. They're fresh as they've been brewing in your bowels for a while when you're in bed, and they come out sounding like your bum is choking a chicken cross with stepping on frogs. Barrel full of laughs. These are also usually used in conjunction with bed-warmers.

Bed-Warmers - The ones you do in bed in winter to keep you warm. They truly do warm you under the sheets! I wouldn't stick your head under there though...

The Ripper - The most common of farts. Its loud, it sounds like the ripping of a chainsaw, it may/may not have a smell, but the creator is always extremely content after letting these off.

Trumpeters - These are the ones that almost sound very similar to a trumpet. You can get many different tones, and I believe that its probably from what you eat, such as high carbs like bread may give you lower notes, but high protein like tuna may give you higher ones. I'd love to see a performance of these farts though, but preferrably in an outdoor ampitheatre.

Hidden surprise - These ones usually end up having an aroma, even though the creator never wanted them to. This is because, whom who hath farted, wanted to conceal it by making a noise or doing something weird. This is usually done my a fake cough, clearing of a throat, stamping of foot or yelling something stupid. Synchronisation rarely occurs though and it draws even more attention on the farter.

OMGWF - "Oh my god who farted!" is the response to this particular fart. It can be any fart, but the respose is priceless. I crack up when I just see the reaction on peoples faces change when they've just smelt a fart. Gold.

The Omen - This fart can be easy to pick if you watch the farter closely. They'll let this one rip, and then look at the john and slowly ease their way there. Absolutely classic to watch if you see it.

The Sonic Boom Fart - This fart is immense. It is extremely loud and usually happens on the dunny or when you're in the blast-off position. It carries a large amount of air and its probably rattled a few windows.

Shaking Gas - This fart is the one that vibrates the farter. If the farter is sitting on a lounge with other people, it usually vibrates them too. It has a lot of potential energy, that it actually shakes people.

Anal speech - These farts almost sound like your bum is saying words. I swear mine said "burger" the other day.

Anal speech impediment - These farts seem like they want to say something, but never can. Something like : pt, pt, pt, pt-pt, poot, pt pt, p, p, p, RRRRIP, p *trumpeter*. Hilarious to listen to, and surprisingly usually don't smell.

Reluctant fart - This fart just doesn't want to come out. Its the one where you go to your mates "I've got one I've got one!!!!!" and nothing happens. Its very content living in your sphincter. I hate these farts. And then they'll let out at the most inappropriate time too. GAH!!!

The Lingering Master - This fart just lingers. It stinks like something crawled up there and died, and it'll stay there. For a LONG time. My record was when I had uni one day, I farted in my car just before I got out. It was still there 4 hours later.


Well, that'll be all for today!

*The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. *

Hooroo all!