Is it just me, or when your tummy rumbles, you want to fart too?
I know I always do. Either that or burp.
You know, i've done categories of poo, but I haven't done categories of farts yet. I shall now categorise the most common farts that you'll hear according to me.
Thought #1 - Categorisation / Classification of farts
Ninja Fart - These farts are often known as "Silent but deadlies" (SBD's) or Blind farts, but basically you'll let these rip without a sound, but will easily singe some nose hairs with its lethally pungent aroma.
Fudgy Farts - The farts that come with a little bit more than expected...
Drop-and-go's (D&G) - Those small little annoying farts people may do as they leave an elevator or a shopping isle and quickly piss off, and the innocent people who walk into them cop a lovely lung-full of fresh gas.
Morning Freshies - These ones my dad usually rips out when he's bending over, unpacking the dishwasher in the morning. They're fresh as they've been brewing in your bowels for a while when you're in bed, and they come out sounding like your bum is choking a chicken cross with stepping on frogs. Barrel full of laughs. These are also usually used in conjunction with bed-warmers.
Bed-Warmers - The ones you do in bed in winter to keep you warm. They truly do warm you under the sheets! I wouldn't stick your head under there though...
The Ripper - The most common of farts. Its loud, it sounds like the ripping of a chainsaw, it may/may not have a smell, but the creator is always extremely content after letting these off.
Trumpeters - These are the ones that almost sound very similar to a trumpet. You can get many different tones, and I believe that its probably from what you eat, such as high carbs like bread may give you lower notes, but high protein like tuna may give you higher ones. I'd love to see a performance of these farts though, but preferrably in an outdoor ampitheatre.
Hidden surprise - These ones usually end up having an aroma, even though the creator never wanted them to. This is because, whom who hath farted, wanted to conceal it by making a noise or doing something weird. This is usually done my a fake cough, clearing of a throat, stamping of foot or yelling something stupid. Synchronisation rarely occurs though and it draws even more attention on the farter.
OMGWF - "Oh my god who farted!" is the response to this particular fart. It can be any fart, but the respose is priceless. I crack up when I just see the reaction on peoples faces change when they've just smelt a fart. Gold.
The Omen - This fart can be easy to pick if you watch the farter closely. They'll let this one rip, and then look at the john and slowly ease their way there. Absolutely classic to watch if you see it.
The Sonic Boom Fart - This fart is immense. It is extremely loud and usually happens on the dunny or when you're in the blast-off position. It carries a large amount of air and its probably rattled a few windows.
Shaking Gas - This fart is the one that vibrates the farter. If the farter is sitting on a lounge with other people, it usually vibrates them too. It has a lot of potential energy, that it actually shakes people.
Anal speech - These farts almost sound like your bum is saying words. I swear mine said "burger" the other day.
Anal speech impediment - These farts seem like they want to say something, but never can. Something like : pt, pt, pt, pt-pt, poot, pt pt, p, p, p, RRRRIP, p *trumpeter*. Hilarious to listen to, and surprisingly usually don't smell.
Reluctant fart - This fart just doesn't want to come out. Its the one where you go to your mates "I've got one I've got one!!!!!" and nothing happens. Its very content living in your sphincter. I hate these farts. And then they'll let out at the most inappropriate time too. GAH!!!
The Lingering Master - This fart just lingers. It stinks like something crawled up there and died, and it'll stay there. For a LONG time. My record was when I had uni one day, I farted in my car just before I got out. It was still there 4 hours later.
Well, that'll be all for today!
*The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. *
Hooroo all!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
# 12 - The lack of talent.
Is it just me or do people find that there is a large lack of talent all around us lately?
Here are a few case examples:
Thought #1 - The Top 20 music charts
Good grief what a bunch of crap this list has become. Where did the days of talented musicians go? Nowadays, all a smart producer does is pick a random soap (hot girl) from the street, and this ensues:
"Can you sing?"
"Not really..."
"Doesn't matter, you're going to have a hit!"
*insert a repetetive 4 chord pattern, lets say, the ice-cream chord pattern, which involves I, V, vi, IV respectively.*
*insert OOhs, Aahs and a simple harmony to the melody line that was trained into the random soap*
*insert raunchy video clip*
#1 HIT!
Its complete bullshit.
I could write better songs with my anus.
A perfect example is Rhianna. Her songs aren't fantastic. Woop, good voice, but voice does NOT make music. Her song "please don't stop the music" I looked up on the net how to play it. This is what came up:
D x 4
F# x 4
repeat.
Like, wtf? How is that talent? And its so damn repetitive.
Another example is that band... The Ting Tings. Soap singer, average to sub-par music, and the lyrics almost make me cry.
"That's not my name, that's not my name, my name isn't Steve, my name isn't Frederick, my name isn't Cecil, My name isn't Sakhdeep, my name isn't !Xobile, that's not my name"
*sigh*
The best one I can think of is the Pussy-on-a-stick Dolls, I mean, Pussydollssatonafatcat, i mean, Pussycat Drools. For crying out loud, only 1 of them can sing! And they're considered a band?? This is just completely poor. People who think this should really be given a few prozac, a toothpick, half a happy meal and put in a straight jacket and sent to the Moon. And they're trying to inspire a league of strong and powerful women not idolised as 'pieces of meat' yet they strut around on tv with skimpy outfits. Turn the volume down on one of their video clips and you have softcore porn. If you combine one of their video clips without audio with an audio clip of womens tennis, you have almost a full porno.
Yay in the pants.
Thought #2 - Australian idol.
This show is the pinnacle of the exploitation and exporting of crap. Its a poor excuse for a talent show, and not one person consistently sells excellent records. You don't see them getting nominated for any arias anytime soon do you?
The thing is, they could INVEST this money to PROMOTE upcoming and promising Australian bands like KARNIVOOL, but obviously they have no idea that Australian music is going down the toilet because of the waste of money and time from the piss-poor ametuerism that comes day in and day out of shows like this.
The thing that shits me the most out of this who show is that you could have the best voice in the entire world, but if you can't be marketed, you won't win. Period. They just look for the most marketable person, rather than the person with the most talent. I want to write into the show and ask for a few things
1) Get the people in the final 12 to compose their own song within, lets say, 1 day. 2 Days max. Reckon they could pull it off? I reckon the crowd would be pulling their ears off, that's about it.
2) Have a classically trained and qualified professional musician within the judging panel. Get rid of one (or more) of those know-nothing-about-music fags out of the panel and replace them with Percival, the professionally trained classical musician from the Conservatorium of music or some shit, who can tell the people feedback MUSICALLY, not how they don't foshizzle this dizzle on the nizzle on stage.
3) Do tests. Say, pick a harmony from certain notes with underlying chords. Ask them what a tri-tone would be, or compoud rhythm... oh wait.. the judges don't even know what they are, HAHAH.
Sorry for the rant, but I really hate this crap.
*Whale calves may suckle up to 13 years on their mothers lactation*
Hooroo all!
Here are a few case examples:
Thought #1 - The Top 20 music charts
Good grief what a bunch of crap this list has become. Where did the days of talented musicians go? Nowadays, all a smart producer does is pick a random soap (hot girl) from the street, and this ensues:
"Can you sing?"
"Not really..."
"Doesn't matter, you're going to have a hit!"
*insert a repetetive 4 chord pattern, lets say, the ice-cream chord pattern, which involves I, V, vi, IV respectively.*
*insert OOhs, Aahs and a simple harmony to the melody line that was trained into the random soap*
*insert raunchy video clip*
#1 HIT!
Its complete bullshit.
I could write better songs with my anus.
A perfect example is Rhianna. Her songs aren't fantastic. Woop, good voice, but voice does NOT make music. Her song "please don't stop the music" I looked up on the net how to play it. This is what came up:
D x 4
F# x 4
repeat.
Like, wtf? How is that talent? And its so damn repetitive.
Another example is that band... The Ting Tings. Soap singer, average to sub-par music, and the lyrics almost make me cry.
"That's not my name, that's not my name, my name isn't Steve, my name isn't Frederick, my name isn't Cecil, My name isn't Sakhdeep, my name isn't !Xobile, that's not my name"
*sigh*
The best one I can think of is the Pussy-on-a-stick Dolls, I mean, Pussydollssatonafatcat, i mean, Pussycat Drools. For crying out loud, only 1 of them can sing! And they're considered a band?? This is just completely poor. People who think this should really be given a few prozac, a toothpick, half a happy meal and put in a straight jacket and sent to the Moon. And they're trying to inspire a league of strong and powerful women not idolised as 'pieces of meat' yet they strut around on tv with skimpy outfits. Turn the volume down on one of their video clips and you have softcore porn. If you combine one of their video clips without audio with an audio clip of womens tennis, you have almost a full porno.
Yay in the pants.
Thought #2 - Australian idol.
This show is the pinnacle of the exploitation and exporting of crap. Its a poor excuse for a talent show, and not one person consistently sells excellent records. You don't see them getting nominated for any arias anytime soon do you?
The thing is, they could INVEST this money to PROMOTE upcoming and promising Australian bands like KARNIVOOL, but obviously they have no idea that Australian music is going down the toilet because of the waste of money and time from the piss-poor ametuerism that comes day in and day out of shows like this.
The thing that shits me the most out of this who show is that you could have the best voice in the entire world, but if you can't be marketed, you won't win. Period. They just look for the most marketable person, rather than the person with the most talent. I want to write into the show and ask for a few things
1) Get the people in the final 12 to compose their own song within, lets say, 1 day. 2 Days max. Reckon they could pull it off? I reckon the crowd would be pulling their ears off, that's about it.
2) Have a classically trained and qualified professional musician within the judging panel. Get rid of one (or more) of those know-nothing-about-music fags out of the panel and replace them with Percival, the professionally trained classical musician from the Conservatorium of music or some shit, who can tell the people feedback MUSICALLY, not how they don't foshizzle this dizzle on the nizzle on stage.
3) Do tests. Say, pick a harmony from certain notes with underlying chords. Ask them what a tri-tone would be, or compoud rhythm... oh wait.. the judges don't even know what they are, HAHAH.
Sorry for the rant, but I really hate this crap.
*Whale calves may suckle up to 13 years on their mothers lactation*
Hooroo all!
Monday, October 6, 2008
#11 - I have eaten too many lollies
I have
It's sad
I was sleepy, now i'm becoming more awake.
I wish there was some way I could get rid of this burden....
Hang on, i need to poo.
I'll be back.
...
I'm back. Now to get on issues at hand.
Thought #1 - I'm sorry I haven't been blogging.
I had to take some time off. I ran out of funny things to say. That's the end of it. I apologise for any person out there who still checks this blog to see if there is a new post for the late late late late lateness of my blog. I'll see if I can keep it following up, and not chop it up into little chunks like my memories of my primary school years. What a simple life. Considering my mum was there, all I had to do basically was cry and I got my own way.
... What a complete sook I was!
I bet people will agree there.
Thought #2 - These things still dumbfound me.
Careful, i'm going to have an angry rant.
Isn't amazing how friends can turn on you?
I recently found out basically that one of my mates kinda wants me completely out of their life, but I found this out not by anyone elses help or whatnot. They are totally oblivious that I know as well. I feel a bit of empowerment, but I also feel a stack of anger. Apparently, I reckon, I've found out MUCH too late. Alas, i found out the true nature of this person!
Fact #1 - I never got their *new* number which surprise surprise was for quite a while.
Fact #2 - They blocked me from the net (How I found this out? I have two emails. Didn't think I would log on to my old one to check emails from a previous forum did they?)
Fact #3 - Usually any communication I threw this persons way is almost completely ignored, even though I know they got it at a time when they weren't busy.
Fact #4 - Nice to face, but I know that this person has said crap behind my back. I've tended to ignore it because they would apologise, but it always still hurt.
I could go on longer, but I'm beginning to run out of scotch.
Basically, the email blocking and *forgetting* to contact me of the new number just really ticked me over the edge.
What's my solution?
Confrontment.
I don't want to humiliate this person even though I feel humiliated right now, probably because I'm not that low, but hey, lets face it, we've all been through this aye? I guess I just need to keep calm.
Which is why I have this blog!
Cause no-one reads it really, and its a good outlet. If you're shocked, be thankful that I never took this out on anyone. I'm talking it out with myself.
That's not crazy is it?
I hope not.
I dunno, talking it out sounds crazy to me!
Does it?
... Now i'm having a conversation with myself.
I must be insane.
Am I?
I don't think so.
Maybe I am though?
Naa... I'm normal.
Thought #3 - Christmas is a Jolly Time.
You know, is it just me, or the thrill of spending money to buy presents for someone, you just can't top? I dunno, but I usually get jolly over chrissy. If I was old, fat and had a white beard, i'd LOVE to be Santa at Westfields.
I reckon I'd be an awesome Santa.
"HO HO HO! MERRY SYPHILLIS!"
"Santa, what's syphillis?"
"Its something that a naughty person gets on New Years Eve if they do something naughty with a HO HO HO!"
Also, is it just me, or is telling people what to buy for you kinda ruining the thrill of guessing and opening the present? That's what i've always loved about my bro Michael with pressies. He'd always think of something tops, and it'll be something you'd never asked for.
Also, I was thinking of new lyrics to the "12 days of christmas" jingle, but with all STD's and the like. Here's what I have so far:
On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me:
1) An infection that made it hard to pee
2) Two inflamed balls
3) Three genital warts
4) Four little Crabs
5) Syphillis
6) Six ingrown pubes
7) Seven cases of herpes
8) Eight stitches on nipples
9) Nine haemorroids
10) Ten dirty undies
11) Eleven broken condoms
12) Twelve little KIDS!
If i've gone wrong somewhere, you can point me in the right direction.
*The human brain is 80% water*
Hooroo all!
It's sad
I was sleepy, now i'm becoming more awake.
I wish there was some way I could get rid of this burden....
Hang on, i need to poo.
I'll be back.
...
I'm back. Now to get on issues at hand.
Thought #1 - I'm sorry I haven't been blogging.
I had to take some time off. I ran out of funny things to say. That's the end of it. I apologise for any person out there who still checks this blog to see if there is a new post for the late late late late lateness of my blog. I'll see if I can keep it following up, and not chop it up into little chunks like my memories of my primary school years. What a simple life. Considering my mum was there, all I had to do basically was cry and I got my own way.
... What a complete sook I was!
I bet people will agree there.
Thought #2 - These things still dumbfound me.
Careful, i'm going to have an angry rant.
Isn't amazing how friends can turn on you?
I recently found out basically that one of my mates kinda wants me completely out of their life, but I found this out not by anyone elses help or whatnot. They are totally oblivious that I know as well. I feel a bit of empowerment, but I also feel a stack of anger. Apparently, I reckon, I've found out MUCH too late. Alas, i found out the true nature of this person!
Fact #1 - I never got their *new* number which surprise surprise was for quite a while.
Fact #2 - They blocked me from the net (How I found this out? I have two emails. Didn't think I would log on to my old one to check emails from a previous forum did they?)
Fact #3 - Usually any communication I threw this persons way is almost completely ignored, even though I know they got it at a time when they weren't busy.
Fact #4 - Nice to face, but I know that this person has said crap behind my back. I've tended to ignore it because they would apologise, but it always still hurt.
I could go on longer, but I'm beginning to run out of scotch.
Basically, the email blocking and *forgetting* to contact me of the new number just really ticked me over the edge.
What's my solution?
Confrontment.
I don't want to humiliate this person even though I feel humiliated right now, probably because I'm not that low, but hey, lets face it, we've all been through this aye? I guess I just need to keep calm.
Which is why I have this blog!
Cause no-one reads it really, and its a good outlet. If you're shocked, be thankful that I never took this out on anyone. I'm talking it out with myself.
That's not crazy is it?
I hope not.
I dunno, talking it out sounds crazy to me!
Does it?
... Now i'm having a conversation with myself.
I must be insane.
Am I?
I don't think so.
Maybe I am though?
Naa... I'm normal.
Thought #3 - Christmas is a Jolly Time.
You know, is it just me, or the thrill of spending money to buy presents for someone, you just can't top? I dunno, but I usually get jolly over chrissy. If I was old, fat and had a white beard, i'd LOVE to be Santa at Westfields.
I reckon I'd be an awesome Santa.
"HO HO HO! MERRY SYPHILLIS!"
"Santa, what's syphillis?"
"Its something that a naughty person gets on New Years Eve if they do something naughty with a HO HO HO!"
Also, is it just me, or is telling people what to buy for you kinda ruining the thrill of guessing and opening the present? That's what i've always loved about my bro Michael with pressies. He'd always think of something tops, and it'll be something you'd never asked for.
Also, I was thinking of new lyrics to the "12 days of christmas" jingle, but with all STD's and the like. Here's what I have so far:
On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me:
1) An infection that made it hard to pee
2) Two inflamed balls
3) Three genital warts
4) Four little Crabs
5) Syphillis
6) Six ingrown pubes
7) Seven cases of herpes
8) Eight stitches on nipples
9) Nine haemorroids
10) Ten dirty undies
11) Eleven broken condoms
12) Twelve little KIDS!
If i've gone wrong somewhere, you can point me in the right direction.
*The human brain is 80% water*
Hooroo all!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
# 10 - I've hit double digits people!!!
Took me long enough. What an exciting day. Who would have thought I committed to something for this long. Lets celebrate with a scotch and a blog.
Thought #1 - Drivers
Sometimes I just wish I was the only person on the road. Some drivers just piss me off that I begin to think I have road rage. I clearly don't, but my profanity use in the car goes through the roof when there's dickheads on the road.
Case example:
I was driving home from band practice the other night, and was travelling down the M5 Westbound, and after the tunnel, it turns to 100 (and eventually 110 after a while). Now, in the left lane in the 100 zone, there were cars still doing 80. Fair enough. They're doing the right thing, though I have no idea why they don't do the speed limit like a normal person. Anyhoo, there was a car infront of me which was doing about 82 and was slowly going past all these cars, and the people behind me were getting just as frustrated as me. In my opinion, if you're only going to go 18km under the speed limit, DON'T use the right lane.
My story isn't finished yet.
After he finally overtook a bunch of cars, he merged into the left lane, and I sped up to get to the speed limit (which was 110). He sped up with me. He was going faster than 120 at one point of stage, and so I broke back down to 110 (I wasn't aware of my speed) and he merged infront of me, slowed back down to 85/90 just to overtake a truck.
This didn't just happen once, but twice.
The second time, I knew he was just trying to piss me off, so, I did something quite reckless and sat behind him with my horn on. Constant.
He got the point.
Its these kind of people who are just complete assholes and are unaware that they are the vermin of the country. I bet they were the kind of kids that were part of the "Whatbro!" group who always hang out infront of maccas, eat it on top of their cars and then drive away leaving the rubbish everywhere, being completely arrogant and rude.
Maccas is the place to be obviously. I gotta be cool and hang out there!
Thought #2 - I wish I was younger sometimes
As in, like, baby.
Think of your life.
Eat and sleep, and everything is exciting to you. If you want something, you cry (some people still do this when they're much older anyway). What a life.
What I especially envy is that they don't need to worry about toilets.
I wish I could just relieve myself whenever, wherever and not worry about a thing. I could just be tutoring a student, and halfway through my sentence, give a little push and i don't need to worry about waiting all that time until I get home to do a poo.
The thing is, with babies, after they push and push and strain the poo out of their bowels and into their diaper, they always have a BIG smile on their face.
Which makes me come to the conclusion, that if you shit yourself, you become happier.
Or maybe we're just happy after a poo. They are extremely satisfying.
Whatever the case, I guess I'll just need to keep pooing in a toilet for another 70 or so years before I'm able to go in my pants again.
... LOL... poo...
Thought #3 - Stupid Ads Again.
I just have to. I love ripping to shreds people's work of trying to make their product buyable.
This guy looks REAL inspired (then again, he is one of the richest guys in the world, guess who!).
I'm so inspired that I want his haircut which his mum probably did for him and also his ridiculously looking glasses. I mean, its VERY hard to know that THAT is Bill Gates.
May I also point out that the whole thing is about a visual studio?
If you're advertising a visual studio, you'd probably want a professional model, not a professional nerd to advertise your company.
Also "Visit the Beginner Developer Learning Centre"... that made my head hurt a little. Less adjectives people!
I have a better ad though:
I'm unreal.
Now here is a corker:
Look at the bottom ad for rubber bands.
I am SO using that idea.
And they're only 99c!
No need for cords and fancy stuff when you have rubber bands!
What's better, you only get 1 handsfree thingo. You get a pound bag of rubber bands. I'm sure I know which has more value.
Also the guy pictured probably does santa claus down the neared stockies. you can't tell he's bald under the wig and christmas hat.
I hate ads like this:
I am never going to buy this product, therefore, I can live without it.
The adverstisement is just terrible.
What a great way to show off your product by showing people who WASTE it. Also, to point out further ridiculous notions: apparrently you should squirt it at your face at such a velocity of a garden hose, hitting your chin, all without squeezing the bottle. MAGIC!
Seriously, you see many ads like this, and most of them waste water.
You'd really want to advertise drinking it, wouldn't you?
Retards.
*The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle*
Hooroo all!
Thought #1 - Drivers
Sometimes I just wish I was the only person on the road. Some drivers just piss me off that I begin to think I have road rage. I clearly don't, but my profanity use in the car goes through the roof when there's dickheads on the road.
Case example:
I was driving home from band practice the other night, and was travelling down the M5 Westbound, and after the tunnel, it turns to 100 (and eventually 110 after a while). Now, in the left lane in the 100 zone, there were cars still doing 80. Fair enough. They're doing the right thing, though I have no idea why they don't do the speed limit like a normal person. Anyhoo, there was a car infront of me which was doing about 82 and was slowly going past all these cars, and the people behind me were getting just as frustrated as me. In my opinion, if you're only going to go 18km under the speed limit, DON'T use the right lane.
My story isn't finished yet.
After he finally overtook a bunch of cars, he merged into the left lane, and I sped up to get to the speed limit (which was 110). He sped up with me. He was going faster than 120 at one point of stage, and so I broke back down to 110 (I wasn't aware of my speed) and he merged infront of me, slowed back down to 85/90 just to overtake a truck.
This didn't just happen once, but twice.
The second time, I knew he was just trying to piss me off, so, I did something quite reckless and sat behind him with my horn on. Constant.
He got the point.
Its these kind of people who are just complete assholes and are unaware that they are the vermin of the country. I bet they were the kind of kids that were part of the "Whatbro!" group who always hang out infront of maccas, eat it on top of their cars and then drive away leaving the rubbish everywhere, being completely arrogant and rude.
Maccas is the place to be obviously. I gotta be cool and hang out there!
Thought #2 - I wish I was younger sometimes
As in, like, baby.
Think of your life.
Eat and sleep, and everything is exciting to you. If you want something, you cry (some people still do this when they're much older anyway). What a life.
What I especially envy is that they don't need to worry about toilets.
I wish I could just relieve myself whenever, wherever and not worry about a thing. I could just be tutoring a student, and halfway through my sentence, give a little push and i don't need to worry about waiting all that time until I get home to do a poo.
The thing is, with babies, after they push and push and strain the poo out of their bowels and into their diaper, they always have a BIG smile on their face.
Which makes me come to the conclusion, that if you shit yourself, you become happier.
Or maybe we're just happy after a poo. They are extremely satisfying.
Whatever the case, I guess I'll just need to keep pooing in a toilet for another 70 or so years before I'm able to go in my pants again.
... LOL... poo...
Thought #3 - Stupid Ads Again.
I just have to. I love ripping to shreds people's work of trying to make their product buyable.
This guy looks REAL inspired (then again, he is one of the richest guys in the world, guess who!).
I'm so inspired that I want his haircut which his mum probably did for him and also his ridiculously looking glasses. I mean, its VERY hard to know that THAT is Bill Gates.
May I also point out that the whole thing is about a visual studio?
If you're advertising a visual studio, you'd probably want a professional model, not a professional nerd to advertise your company.
Also "Visit the Beginner Developer Learning Centre"... that made my head hurt a little. Less adjectives people!
I have a better ad though:
I'm unreal.Now here is a corker:
Look at the bottom ad for rubber bands.I am SO using that idea.
And they're only 99c!
No need for cords and fancy stuff when you have rubber bands!
What's better, you only get 1 handsfree thingo. You get a pound bag of rubber bands. I'm sure I know which has more value.
Also the guy pictured probably does santa claus down the neared stockies. you can't tell he's bald under the wig and christmas hat.
I hate ads like this:
I am never going to buy this product, therefore, I can live without it.The adverstisement is just terrible.
What a great way to show off your product by showing people who WASTE it. Also, to point out further ridiculous notions: apparrently you should squirt it at your face at such a velocity of a garden hose, hitting your chin, all without squeezing the bottle. MAGIC!
Seriously, you see many ads like this, and most of them waste water.
You'd really want to advertise drinking it, wouldn't you?
Retards.
*The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle*
Hooroo all!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
#9 - I say the darndest things
I'm sorry for any loyal fans out there that constantly love to read my random rants of pointless and stupid topics and... yada yada yada yada. I'm sitting here with my pants undone writing stuff that randomly pops into my head. To sum up: I've been busy.
Thought #1 - Uni is giving me the flopsies
Why do they do this?
They cram all these subjects assessments within a few weeks.
This is my 4th week, and I would have racked up something along the lines of 7 assessments.
Yay in the pants.
You'd think, being in the same faculty, they could avoid this, but nope. They just go on in there oblivious to all knowledge of communication and talking with each other and enforce assessments all at the same time.
No wonder my course is getting smaller and smaller.
Thought #2 - Fluff
What is fluff?
Where does it come from?
What does it consist of?
Why does it get in my bellybutton, on my mousepad and in my car?
WHY???
No, i'm not speaking of the lovely marshmallow spread, its the little fluff balls you see everywhere, which have no origin.
Dead set, I got a ball of fluff in my bellybutton and I wasn't even wearing a shirt. I think its all a government conspiracy in which they want to see the world through little fluff balls. Beats me why they want to see the inside of my belly button. Oh well. I guess whatever they think is necessary.
Hmm.. This means Osama mustn't have any fluff in his beard or in his hideout, they would have caught him already. Ok, HINT HINT, he doesn't have a fluffy hideout or a fluffy beard! Its clean!
I bet he uses Ajax spray and wipe. He'd be an excellent spokesperson for it.
I know i'd buy it if he tried to sell it to me.
I love my Ajax!
Thought #1 - Uni is giving me the flopsies
Why do they do this?
They cram all these subjects assessments within a few weeks.
This is my 4th week, and I would have racked up something along the lines of 7 assessments.
Yay in the pants.
You'd think, being in the same faculty, they could avoid this, but nope. They just go on in there oblivious to all knowledge of communication and talking with each other and enforce assessments all at the same time.
No wonder my course is getting smaller and smaller.
Thought #2 - Fluff
What is fluff?
Where does it come from?
What does it consist of?
Why does it get in my bellybutton, on my mousepad and in my car?
WHY???
No, i'm not speaking of the lovely marshmallow spread, its the little fluff balls you see everywhere, which have no origin.Dead set, I got a ball of fluff in my bellybutton and I wasn't even wearing a shirt. I think its all a government conspiracy in which they want to see the world through little fluff balls. Beats me why they want to see the inside of my belly button. Oh well. I guess whatever they think is necessary.
Hmm.. This means Osama mustn't have any fluff in his beard or in his hideout, they would have caught him already. Ok, HINT HINT, he doesn't have a fluffy hideout or a fluffy beard! Its clean!
I bet he uses Ajax spray and wipe. He'd be an excellent spokesperson for it.
I know i'd buy it if he tried to sell it to me.
I love my Ajax!Ok, i'm just being silly.
Whatever, you get my point.
... what point?
Thought #3 - little quirky things
You know, everyone does little things each day which are different and may seem quirky to some people, or just plain wrong.
Case example.
When you blow your nose, do you open the tissue (or hanky if you're like me) and have a good examine before closing it back up again to chuck out (or re-use, in the case of a hanky)? You'll notice there's 3 types of people in this category:
1) Examiners
2) Non-examiners
3) Nose pickers
Number 3 is the most thrifty. You don't even need tissues to pick your nose, therefore costing you money. If you want to know more about picking your nose, refer to one of my earlier blogs.
Another case example, is wiping your bum after a poo.
There are so many options!
Folder or scruncher.
Sitting or standing.
Front to back or Back to front.
One thing I don't understand it how people don't check the paper before they throw it in. So many people are like EWWW, THAT'S DISGUSTING. What's worse is that, if you don't check, you don't know if your bum is clean or not (most likely no, unless you're a secret poo checker) and you're probably walking around with a dirty date all day.
If you didn't know, date = bumhole. Date rolls = rolls of Toilet paper. Sticky date = nice dessert.
Yes, poo may seem disgusting to you, but you'd prefer to take a quick check for a skidmark on the paper than walking around with a pooey bum all day.
Lesson: Think twice about checking your poo on your paper!
Thought #4 - Bush-isms
God this guy is dumb.
Just some of the things he's said:
"Let me start off by saying that in 2000 I said, 'Vote for me. I'm an agent of change.' In 2004, I said, 'I'm not interested in change—I want to continue as president.' Every candidate has got to say 'change.' That's what the American people expect."
"And so, in my State of the—my State of the Union—or state—my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation—I asked Americans to give 4,000 years—4,000 hours over the next—the rest of your life—of service to America. That's what I asked—4,000 hours."
"I welcome you all to say a few comments to the TV, if you care to do so."
"Thank you for being such a fine host for the OPEC summit. I appreciate—APEC summit."
"I'm going to try to see if I can remember as much to make it sound like I'm smart on the subject."
"I know a human being and fish can co-exist peacefully"
"I hope that when it's all said and done, people see me as a strategic thinker, and able to stay focussed on a strategy"
"They want us to leave, that's what they want us to do. And I think the world would be better of if we did leave! You know, if we didn't... if we... if... if we left, the world would be worse."
We'll see him in the special Olympics soon in the English Spelling Bee.
*The Bible has been translated into Klingon.*
Hooroo all!
Whatever, you get my point.
... what point?
Thought #3 - little quirky things
You know, everyone does little things each day which are different and may seem quirky to some people, or just plain wrong.
Case example.
When you blow your nose, do you open the tissue (or hanky if you're like me) and have a good examine before closing it back up again to chuck out (or re-use, in the case of a hanky)? You'll notice there's 3 types of people in this category:
1) Examiners
2) Non-examiners
3) Nose pickers
Number 3 is the most thrifty. You don't even need tissues to pick your nose, therefore costing you money. If you want to know more about picking your nose, refer to one of my earlier blogs.
Another case example, is wiping your bum after a poo.
There are so many options!
Folder or scruncher.
Sitting or standing.
Front to back or Back to front.
One thing I don't understand it how people don't check the paper before they throw it in. So many people are like EWWW, THAT'S DISGUSTING. What's worse is that, if you don't check, you don't know if your bum is clean or not (most likely no, unless you're a secret poo checker) and you're probably walking around with a dirty date all day.
If you didn't know, date = bumhole. Date rolls = rolls of Toilet paper. Sticky date = nice dessert.
Yes, poo may seem disgusting to you, but you'd prefer to take a quick check for a skidmark on the paper than walking around with a pooey bum all day.
Lesson: Think twice about checking your poo on your paper!
Thought #4 - Bush-isms
God this guy is dumb.Just some of the things he's said:
"Let me start off by saying that in 2000 I said, 'Vote for me. I'm an agent of change.' In 2004, I said, 'I'm not interested in change—I want to continue as president.' Every candidate has got to say 'change.' That's what the American people expect."
"And so, in my State of the—my State of the Union—or state—my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation—I asked Americans to give 4,000 years—4,000 hours over the next—the rest of your life—of service to America. That's what I asked—4,000 hours."
"I welcome you all to say a few comments to the TV, if you care to do so."
"Thank you for being such a fine host for the OPEC summit. I appreciate—APEC summit."
"I'm going to try to see if I can remember as much to make it sound like I'm smart on the subject."
"I know a human being and fish can co-exist peacefully"
"I hope that when it's all said and done, people see me as a strategic thinker, and able to stay focussed on a strategy"
"They want us to leave, that's what they want us to do. And I think the world would be better of if we did leave! You know, if we didn't... if we... if... if we left, the world would be worse."
We'll see him in the special Olympics soon in the English Spelling Bee.
*The Bible has been translated into Klingon.*
Hooroo all!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
#8 - Chicken Schnitzels and other foul matters
Har har har, i'm sooooo punny.
Oh well
Dudes and Dudettes, may I remind you that if you read my blog... YOU SHOULD COMMENT! That's all I ask.
I have a fair amount of page views, but only a few amount of people comment.
Not fair.
I go to all this work in creating stuff that just...
Ah screw it. As long as you laugh, i'm happy.
Thought #1 - Itching and Scratching.
May I ask the question, why on earth do we sometimes get itchy for no reason.
And why on earth do we scratch, and not, rub or pat the itchy area?
My hand just got itchy. I have no idea why. I had a great speculation, realised nothing was there TO make it itchy, but when I scratched it, the itchyness went away... for about 5 seconds!
WHY does it come back worse?????
I swear we're tortured like that. Our human instincts are to scratch something thats itchy or anything with a "scratch and sniff" sticker, but our body reacts in such a way that makes it worse than it originally was!!!
Why??
Also, why on earth are we tormented by these stupid things:
They have to be the single most good-for-nothing and pathetic creature ever. What do they do?
1) Suck your blood. I like my blood. 'Nuff said.
2) Make the bite extremely itchy. Have you ever had one in between your fingers or in between your toes? They are terrible. Even worse is on your nipple.
... don't ask.
3) They carry disease. They carry deadly diseases and viruses, and therefore, are a complete plague on society. The only other annoying plague I can think of is George Bush.
Anyhoo, back on itching, there is only 1 good thing I can think of that comes out of itchyness. That is, of course, when you pick your nose in a style that looks like your scratching it, and then you say
"sorry my nose is itchy"
and you get away with it.
Yay in the pants.
Thought #2 - Poo
Well, I think all of you knew this was coming. I was going to write a blog on poo. Here, my friends, is a short list of the type of poos you may do:
Ghost Poo
You can smell it. You can feel it. You can hear it plop, but low and behold, when you look, it's not there!
Poo whisperer
This is a poo which you need to strain and strain and talk yourself through getting through doing it.
The Windy Nugget
As you can imagine, its a poo that follows and is followed by great farts. This is usually a very satisfying poo.
The Embarrassment Log
This is The Windy Nugget in a crowded toilet cubicle or at a quiet family dinner, because, as we all know, when you're sitting on the toilet, farts are 100x louder. The bowl is like an amplifier.
POOpsie daisy.....
This is one of the funniest poos. Its when you go to really push out for a fart, but something more solid follows quickly.
Shy Poo
This is the one, very similar to the Poo Whisperer, where you push and push and push, though only a very small plop happens. Its the smallest nugget you've ever seen. You feel really ripped off when this happens. I know I do.
Bastard Poo
This is the poo that you feel arriving towards your bumcheeks 3 minutes after the Shy Poo. What does that nugget want???
Holy Poo
This is the one that comes out so quick and burns your ring that you usually whisper "Holy Poo" (Other words may be in place of poo)
Very Holy Poo
This one is too big for your bum, but tries to squeeze out anyway. This one hurts like no tomorrow, and many whisperings (or shoutings) of "Holy poo" may occur.
Very Very Holy Poo
The Pope's Poo. He'll bless the toilet after its flushed.
Anyhoo, that'll be all for today. I hope your poo is exciting and satisfying.
*The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache*
Hooroo all!
Oh well
Dudes and Dudettes, may I remind you that if you read my blog... YOU SHOULD COMMENT! That's all I ask.
I have a fair amount of page views, but only a few amount of people comment.
Not fair.
I go to all this work in creating stuff that just...
Ah screw it. As long as you laugh, i'm happy.
Thought #1 - Itching and Scratching.
May I ask the question, why on earth do we sometimes get itchy for no reason.
And why on earth do we scratch, and not, rub or pat the itchy area?
My hand just got itchy. I have no idea why. I had a great speculation, realised nothing was there TO make it itchy, but when I scratched it, the itchyness went away... for about 5 seconds!
WHY does it come back worse?????
I swear we're tortured like that. Our human instincts are to scratch something thats itchy or anything with a "scratch and sniff" sticker, but our body reacts in such a way that makes it worse than it originally was!!!
Why??
Also, why on earth are we tormented by these stupid things:
They have to be the single most good-for-nothing and pathetic creature ever. What do they do?
1) Suck your blood. I like my blood. 'Nuff said.
2) Make the bite extremely itchy. Have you ever had one in between your fingers or in between your toes? They are terrible. Even worse is on your nipple.
... don't ask.
3) They carry disease. They carry deadly diseases and viruses, and therefore, are a complete plague on society. The only other annoying plague I can think of is George Bush.
Anyhoo, back on itching, there is only 1 good thing I can think of that comes out of itchyness. That is, of course, when you pick your nose in a style that looks like your scratching it, and then you say
"sorry my nose is itchy"
and you get away with it.
Yay in the pants.
Thought #2 - Poo
Well, I think all of you knew this was coming. I was going to write a blog on poo. Here, my friends, is a short list of the type of poos you may do:
Ghost Poo
You can smell it. You can feel it. You can hear it plop, but low and behold, when you look, it's not there!
Poo whisperer
This is a poo which you need to strain and strain and talk yourself through getting through doing it.
The Windy Nugget
As you can imagine, its a poo that follows and is followed by great farts. This is usually a very satisfying poo.
The Embarrassment Log
This is The Windy Nugget in a crowded toilet cubicle or at a quiet family dinner, because, as we all know, when you're sitting on the toilet, farts are 100x louder. The bowl is like an amplifier.
POOpsie daisy.....
This is one of the funniest poos. Its when you go to really push out for a fart, but something more solid follows quickly.
Shy Poo
This is the one, very similar to the Poo Whisperer, where you push and push and push, though only a very small plop happens. Its the smallest nugget you've ever seen. You feel really ripped off when this happens. I know I do.
Bastard Poo
This is the poo that you feel arriving towards your bumcheeks 3 minutes after the Shy Poo. What does that nugget want???
Holy Poo
This is the one that comes out so quick and burns your ring that you usually whisper "Holy Poo" (Other words may be in place of poo)
Very Holy Poo
This one is too big for your bum, but tries to squeeze out anyway. This one hurts like no tomorrow, and many whisperings (or shoutings) of "Holy poo" may occur.
Very Very Holy Poo
The Pope's Poo. He'll bless the toilet after its flushed.
Anyhoo, that'll be all for today. I hope your poo is exciting and satisfying.
*The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache*
Hooroo all!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
#7 - Writing Block
I dunno, but I think my brain is slowing down, and i'm not getting as many humerous ideas these days. Oh well, I guess that i'll just keep on being silly and maybe many ideas might just spring upon me as i'm writing.
Thought #1 - Hair in unusual places
I have been thinking, why on earth does hair grow in certain places of our body. For example, why is there quite a large amount of hair on our head? Why not our kneecaps? What purpose does it serve?
Ok, fair enough it makes some people look prettier, and others, well... they look like bums, but still, it baffles me why there's a large tuft of hair right on the top of our head.
And why (this one baffles me the most) does it grow around our genatles? I can't think of any good or decent reason to have hair there.
I realise we have a thin layer of hair everywhere which helps our sense of touch, but why on earth do we have big clumps of it on our head, under our arms and downstairs? What about eyebrows? What purpose do they serve? Eyelashes help protect your eyes, what do eyebrows do? Allow something else for a person to wax?
All these questions are making me thirsty.. I need a drink.
Mmm.... solo.
Ok.. where was I?
Oh yeah, Hair.
Another idea is that we're supposed to have thick hair all over our body like a dog or Robin Williams, but we've evolved and lost hair from our body.
So about 10000 years from now we'll all be completely bald?
Sexy....
Thought #1 - Hair in unusual places
I have been thinking, why on earth does hair grow in certain places of our body. For example, why is there quite a large amount of hair on our head? Why not our kneecaps? What purpose does it serve?
Ok, fair enough it makes some people look prettier, and others, well... they look like bums, but still, it baffles me why there's a large tuft of hair right on the top of our head.
And why (this one baffles me the most) does it grow around our genatles? I can't think of any good or decent reason to have hair there.
I realise we have a thin layer of hair everywhere which helps our sense of touch, but why on earth do we have big clumps of it on our head, under our arms and downstairs? What about eyebrows? What purpose do they serve? Eyelashes help protect your eyes, what do eyebrows do? Allow something else for a person to wax?
All these questions are making me thirsty.. I need a drink.
Mmm.... solo.
Ok.. where was I?
Oh yeah, Hair.
Another idea is that we're supposed to have thick hair all over our body like a dog or Robin Williams, but we've evolved and lost hair from our body.
So about 10000 years from now we'll all be completely bald?
Sexy....Thought #2 - You can't be serious...
Advertisements.
How ridiculous they can be.
(yes, it's another picture whoring, but i'll put some writing with it too, just because i'm nice)
First up is this item found in a catalogue:
Now, i'm not one to judge, but how the heck are serving tongs trendy? Look out dinner parties, Trendy Tongs have hit the table!!! For goodness sake, they can't be extremely trendy if they're $1.50. C'mon. I knew there was a trendier way of serving things on a table... and now i've found my answer!!!
Now here's an ad that kinda makes no sense at all. Ok, I can read frenchinesian or whatever the bloody language is, but I know this: A pig would not be smiling like that if it's cutting itself, unless it was an emo pig:
Wonderful portayal I reckon.
Anyhoo, secondly, I don't think a pig can stand on its hind legs, ON TOP of its OWN slicings, and hold a knife with his wrist.
Man, that pig is talented.
May I also point out the extremely inconvenient placing of the tail?
This one just speaks for itself, and in all, is just a funny picture.
I'm sure people want to do yoga now!
More like the King Shit of all iPod docking stations! Now there is no way this is functional in any way, shape or form, and no-one I know calls their toilet the "throne room". If anything, it's a potty, dunny, "Little boys/girls room", Thunderbox or just plain ol' crapper.
Also, "perfect for the man who has everything"...? What? Perfect for the idiotic man who obviously has a bowel problem and needs a colonic.
This item is just plain ridiculous.
And if anyone DIDN'T know, right in the bottom right hand corner "Made for iPod".
I thought it was made for the man who has everything...
Anyhoo, i'm off for now. Be sure to use the word "eclectic" every day this week.
*The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.*
Hooroo all!
Advertisements.
How ridiculous they can be.
(yes, it's another picture whoring, but i'll put some writing with it too, just because i'm nice)
First up is this item found in a catalogue:
Now, i'm not one to judge, but how the heck are serving tongs trendy? Look out dinner parties, Trendy Tongs have hit the table!!! For goodness sake, they can't be extremely trendy if they're $1.50. C'mon. I knew there was a trendier way of serving things on a table... and now i've found my answer!!!
Now here's an ad that kinda makes no sense at all. Ok, I can read frenchinesian or whatever the bloody language is, but I know this: A pig would not be smiling like that if it's cutting itself, unless it was an emo pig:
Wonderful portayal I reckon.Anyhoo, secondly, I don't think a pig can stand on its hind legs, ON TOP of its OWN slicings, and hold a knife with his wrist.
Man, that pig is talented.
May I also point out the extremely inconvenient placing of the tail?
This one just speaks for itself, and in all, is just a funny picture.I'm sure people want to do yoga now!
More like the King Shit of all iPod docking stations! Now there is no way this is functional in any way, shape or form, and no-one I know calls their toilet the "throne room". If anything, it's a potty, dunny, "Little boys/girls room", Thunderbox or just plain ol' crapper.Also, "perfect for the man who has everything"...? What? Perfect for the idiotic man who obviously has a bowel problem and needs a colonic.
This item is just plain ridiculous.
And if anyone DIDN'T know, right in the bottom right hand corner "Made for iPod".
I thought it was made for the man who has everything...
Anyhoo, i'm off for now. Be sure to use the word "eclectic" every day this week.
*The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.*
Hooroo all!
Monday, July 7, 2008
# 6 - It's been a while...
Sorry about the delay between my blogs, i get a bit carried away, especially when I go on holidays. Anyhoo, time for some random babbling:
Thought #1 - Two wrongs CAN make a right
I came up with a brilliant thought. Two wrongs can make a right, I can garuntee it. Let me explain my case example.
Everyone loves those post-boxes which the postie puts the flag up if they've got mail, and the owner puts the flag down when they take their mail. You know the one's i'm talking about.
Say someone is walking down the street and sees one of these letterboxes with the flag poking up, meaning the person living at that house has mail. They decide to be cheeky, put the flag down, so then the owners won't check it (har har har, what a prank).
BUT
Alas, someone else walks past at a later time, and seeing the flag down, presumes they don't have mail, but wants to be mean and nasty and make them walk 10 metres to the letterbox (how could he) and then puts the flag up, laughing hysterically to himself, little knowing that his 'wrong' in his head made the whole thing right again.
Everyone see how grand my theory is?
Shh... I'm a jenius.*
Thought #2 - Brand Names & Advertisements
Millions are spent on advertising companies products and even just the company themself. Why on earth don't people double check some of their stuff? I saw the other day, a billboard which made my day. It was for a jeweller company, and it had two rings, one standing up on top of one lying down. It looked a LOT like a toilet seat. To make matters worse, there was a guy and a girl in the picture, and the girl was half squatting as if she was doing a poo.
LOL.
... well i thought it was funny anyway.
Let me show you another few examples I managed to discover:
And my favourite:
Seamless.
Thought #3 - Weird things people do.
I just read a story. Read this for yourself and try not to laugh.
Now what a fantastic party that would have been.
It almost seems like the prostitutes were disappointed in playing Xbox.
Anyhoo... enough scavenging.
"The flushing toilet was invented Before toilet paper"
Hooroo all!
* Yes, it was meant to be spelt with a j.
Thought #1 - Two wrongs CAN make a right
I came up with a brilliant thought. Two wrongs can make a right, I can garuntee it. Let me explain my case example.
Everyone loves those post-boxes which the postie puts the flag up if they've got mail, and the owner puts the flag down when they take their mail. You know the one's i'm talking about.
Say someone is walking down the street and sees one of these letterboxes with the flag poking up, meaning the person living at that house has mail. They decide to be cheeky, put the flag down, so then the owners won't check it (har har har, what a prank).
BUT
Alas, someone else walks past at a later time, and seeing the flag down, presumes they don't have mail, but wants to be mean and nasty and make them walk 10 metres to the letterbox (how could he) and then puts the flag up, laughing hysterically to himself, little knowing that his 'wrong' in his head made the whole thing right again.
Everyone see how grand my theory is?
Shh... I'm a jenius.*Thought #2 - Brand Names & Advertisements
Millions are spent on advertising companies products and even just the company themself. Why on earth don't people double check some of their stuff? I saw the other day, a billboard which made my day. It was for a jeweller company, and it had two rings, one standing up on top of one lying down. It looked a LOT like a toilet seat. To make matters worse, there was a guy and a girl in the picture, and the girl was half squatting as if she was doing a poo.
LOL.
... well i thought it was funny anyway.
Let me show you another few examples I managed to discover:
And my favourite:
Seamless.
Thought #3 - Weird things people do.
I just read a story. Read this for yourself and try not to laugh.
Newark teenager Ralph Hardy confessed to ordering an extra credit card from his dad's existing credit card company and taking his pals on a US$30,000 spending spree, which culminated in them playing "Halo" on an Xbox with the hookers in a Texas motel.
The $1000-a-night prostitutes were released without charge but Ralph was given a three year community order upon his conviction on May 9, money.co.uk reported.
The prostitutes told police they grew suspicious when the kids said they'd rather play Xbox than play with them.
Authorities were alerted to the motel by a delivery clerk who, after delivering supplies of Dr Pepper, Oreos and Fritos, was asked by the kids where they could hire some escorts.
They young Lotharios explained they'd just won big at a "World of Warcraft" tournament and wanted to relax.
The delivery clerk called the police who arrived to find $3,000 in cash, electronic gadgets, an Xbox console and games, plus the two prostitutes.
Ralph reportedly told the officers his dad wouldn't mind, because he'd turned 13 the previous week and he'd forgot to get him a present.
Ralph and Co. told the working girls they were people of restricted growth working with a traveling circus.
They added that State law did not allow discrimination against the disabled so they had no right to refuse them.
Explaining why he ordered two escorts, Ralph said he thought it was the done thing when you win a "World of Warcraft" contest.
The prostitutes ended up playing "Halo" with the kids instead of having sex with them.
Now what a fantastic party that would have been.
It almost seems like the prostitutes were disappointed in playing Xbox.
Anyhoo... enough scavenging.
"The flushing toilet was invented Before toilet paper"
Hooroo all!
* Yes, it was meant to be spelt with a j.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
#5 - Uni is done! And flatulence is funny.
Huzzah, finally, everything for Uni is finished for the semester, all I need to do now is wait anxiously for my results. I shouldn't be anxious considering I know I put in the effort, but, sometimes you can't help but worry. And that makes me fart.
Thought # 1 - Farting IS funny.
You know, I honestly think farting was created for humour. When you sit down and truly think about it, there isn't much else in nature that's funnier than a fart. Besides an Orangutan scratching its bum or Michael Jackson, although he's not really natural.
I honestly find flatulence hilarious, but most people when farted near all have the same reaction:
I never understood why...
As I have been thinking (which is hard), instead of farting like we usually do, we could have been designed that the gas escaped through the pores of our skin flawlessly and didn't make a sound, also that it wouldn't smell by using some chemical reaction.
Not to be.
Farting makes a very funny sound and it smells bad.
People always say "It wouldn't be that bad if it wasn't for the smell".
Here's my hypothesis: Farts smell purely so deaf people can enjoy it too.
Reminds me of another poem (I know, I'm on fire with my poems lately)
Thought # 1 - Farting IS funny.
You know, I honestly think farting was created for humour. When you sit down and truly think about it, there isn't much else in nature that's funnier than a fart. Besides an Orangutan scratching its bum or Michael Jackson, although he's not really natural.
I honestly find flatulence hilarious, but most people when farted near all have the same reaction:
I never understood why...As I have been thinking (which is hard), instead of farting like we usually do, we could have been designed that the gas escaped through the pores of our skin flawlessly and didn't make a sound, also that it wouldn't smell by using some chemical reaction.
Not to be.
Farting makes a very funny sound and it smells bad.
People always say "It wouldn't be that bad if it wasn't for the smell".
Here's my hypothesis: Farts smell purely so deaf people can enjoy it too.
Reminds me of another poem (I know, I'm on fire with my poems lately)
A Belch is but a gust of wind
That cometh from the Heart,
But should it take a downward turn,
Turneth into a Fart
That cometh from the Heart,
But should it take a downward turn,
Turneth into a Fart
So if you're going to fart, fart proud! If you think about it, your bum cheeks are merely applauding. And own up to it. No-one likes someone who drops their guts and then pisses off. That's just plain festy.
Although it is fun in Woolies and quickly changing to a different aisle.
Thought #2 - The fool and the wise-ish
You know, I've noticed recently that many of my mates, and I guess people in general, want to ponder and make their intelligence stand out and try and do this through looking wise by making some sort of saying. Either that or try and make their sentences always have a big word or something with insight. Gherkin. I, for one, prefer the method of saying whatever pops into your head (not all the time, that can annoy many people) and most things are quite stupid, but the occasional one will stand out so much better because everything you said previously was silly.
Try it, you might like it.
But I still can't believe it's not butter.
Thought #3 - Funny "Confucius say" jokes
Because I can't think of anything funny, I'll put stuff up which I think is funny.
Confucius say....
- Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.
- Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
- Man standing on toilet is high on pot.
- Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk
- Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky fingers
- Man with one chopstick go hungry.
- Man who farts in church sits in his own pew!
- Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
- He who makes love in grass, gets piece on earth
- He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons
- Crowded elevator smell different to midget
- A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose
- Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time
- Man who sneeze without hanky take matter in his own hands
Anyhoo, i'll be off
take care all!
* If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.*
Although it is fun in Woolies and quickly changing to a different aisle.
Thought #2 - The fool and the wise-ish
You know, I've noticed recently that many of my mates, and I guess people in general, want to ponder and make their intelligence stand out and try and do this through looking wise by making some sort of saying. Either that or try and make their sentences always have a big word or something with insight. Gherkin. I, for one, prefer the method of saying whatever pops into your head (not all the time, that can annoy many people) and most things are quite stupid, but the occasional one will stand out so much better because everything you said previously was silly.
Try it, you might like it.
But I still can't believe it's not butter.
Thought #3 - Funny "Confucius say" jokes
Because I can't think of anything funny, I'll put stuff up which I think is funny.
Confucius say....
- Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.
- Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
- Man standing on toilet is high on pot.
- Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk
- Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky fingers
- Man with one chopstick go hungry.
- Man who farts in church sits in his own pew!
- Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
- He who makes love in grass, gets piece on earth
- He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons
- Crowded elevator smell different to midget
- A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose
- Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time
- Man who sneeze without hanky take matter in his own hands
Anyhoo, i'll be off
take care all!
* If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.*
Saturday, June 14, 2008
#4 - My left nostril hurts
This week started quite chumly, and ended sour, so onto my first thought quite quickly:
Thought #1 - My week
Many issues arose within the week, but I guess the main thing is my bass is broken. This means Clara has passed away. Clara was like a bass to me.
The truss rod inside the neck has snapped and the place it's been snapped is digging into the cavity of the wood. Can't be fixed, only replaced.
Wait, there's more.
What's better is that I have a performance assessment on Tuesday and Wednesday specifically for 5-sting bass and I don't know anyone who has one. Just peachy.
And it gets better.
The store I bought it from Liquidated and closed down, meaning the warranty that came with the bass is void. The only possible option is to send it back to the manufacturing company/dealer of the brand (Ibanez - if you know guitars, its a DECENT brand) and I'm without a bass for around 1-2 months. And I don't know if it's even going to cost me anything yet.
Fucking beautiful.
And THAT my friends, is only issue #1 of my week.
It honestly keeps getting better and better. At this rate, I'll end up breaking both hands causing severe trauma so i can't play bass, guitar, piano, just music in general, and then my voice box will rupture so I can't sing. Then an Alien Space-ship will squish Condor (my car) and I'll be beamed to Zargon 19 where they'll bury me alive with Big Ted from Playschool. Who farts in the tomb. Constantly.
Well... I'm still managing to put a smile on my face somehow, but maybe that's my brain protecting itself from a break-down.
I might go through the index of B-Z of my problems another week.
Thought #2 - Slinkies and Shampoo (loving the alliteration)
How many times have you had a goofy look on your face while a slinky tumbled down the stairs? I know I have. I can almost garuntee I've made you want a slinky and a large staircase now too. I also was thinking, many people are like slinkies: They're useless, but you'll always smile seeing one tumble down the stairs. It also reminds me of an episode of Futurama where Bender goes Bend-Crazy and bends everything. When he did it to Dr. Zoidberg's slinky, it ended up like this:
MY SLINKY!!!!!
And tries to fix it, and ends up like this:
It even catches on fire.
Shampoo.
Shampoo.
You're laughing aren't you? I am. It's even got "poo" in it.
Wouldn't it make much more sense to call it "hairwash"? Now I know you're laughing at hairwash. You dirty individual. If someone didn't know what shampoo is, and you said "I'm going to shampoo my hair", they'd be quite confused as to what you're doing with your hair. They would conjure up images of you buying cheap chook poo from the Saturday markets and rubbing it in your hair.
Actually, when you deconstruct the word shampoo its two words "sham" and "poo". So basically it contains:
"Sham", as if someone has given you a hard deal. Basically ripped you off big time.
And
"poo", Fecal Matter. Deffication.
So basically its someone who's ripped you off of poo. It's a poo sham.
I repeat: Shampoo is a Poo Sham.
Even look at some of the brands:
Herbal essence (Cow Poo)
Garnier Fructis (Fruit bat poo)
Schwarzkopf (Cop poo from a guy named Schwarz)
It makes sense!
Although the softness and the clean feeling is to die for.
*Among other things, ancient Egyptians worshipped cabbages*
Hooroo all.
Thought #1 - My week
Many issues arose within the week, but I guess the main thing is my bass is broken. This means Clara has passed away. Clara was like a bass to me.
The truss rod inside the neck has snapped and the place it's been snapped is digging into the cavity of the wood. Can't be fixed, only replaced.
Wait, there's more.
What's better is that I have a performance assessment on Tuesday and Wednesday specifically for 5-sting bass and I don't know anyone who has one. Just peachy.
And it gets better.
The store I bought it from Liquidated and closed down, meaning the warranty that came with the bass is void. The only possible option is to send it back to the manufacturing company/dealer of the brand (Ibanez - if you know guitars, its a DECENT brand) and I'm without a bass for around 1-2 months. And I don't know if it's even going to cost me anything yet.
Fucking beautiful.
And THAT my friends, is only issue #1 of my week.
It honestly keeps getting better and better. At this rate, I'll end up breaking both hands causing severe trauma so i can't play bass, guitar, piano, just music in general, and then my voice box will rupture so I can't sing. Then an Alien Space-ship will squish Condor (my car) and I'll be beamed to Zargon 19 where they'll bury me alive with Big Ted from Playschool. Who farts in the tomb. Constantly.
Well... I'm still managing to put a smile on my face somehow, but maybe that's my brain protecting itself from a break-down.
I might go through the index of B-Z of my problems another week.
Thought #2 - Slinkies and Shampoo (loving the alliteration)
How many times have you had a goofy look on your face while a slinky tumbled down the stairs? I know I have. I can almost garuntee I've made you want a slinky and a large staircase now too. I also was thinking, many people are like slinkies: They're useless, but you'll always smile seeing one tumble down the stairs. It also reminds me of an episode of Futurama where Bender goes Bend-Crazy and bends everything. When he did it to Dr. Zoidberg's slinky, it ended up like this:
MY SLINKY!!!!!
And tries to fix it, and ends up like this:
It even catches on fire.Shampoo.
Shampoo.
You're laughing aren't you? I am. It's even got "poo" in it.
Wouldn't it make much more sense to call it "hairwash"? Now I know you're laughing at hairwash. You dirty individual. If someone didn't know what shampoo is, and you said "I'm going to shampoo my hair", they'd be quite confused as to what you're doing with your hair. They would conjure up images of you buying cheap chook poo from the Saturday markets and rubbing it in your hair.
Actually, when you deconstruct the word shampoo its two words "sham" and "poo". So basically it contains:
"Sham", as if someone has given you a hard deal. Basically ripped you off big time.
And
"poo", Fecal Matter. Deffication.
So basically its someone who's ripped you off of poo. It's a poo sham.
Even look at some of the brands:
Herbal essence (Cow Poo)
Garnier Fructis (Fruit bat poo)
Schwarzkopf (Cop poo from a guy named Schwarz)
It makes sense!
Although the softness and the clean feeling is to die for.
*Among other things, ancient Egyptians worshipped cabbages*
Hooroo all.
Monday, June 9, 2008
#3 Ramblings and other fecal matters...
Well... what an interesting few days. I reckon that if I had enough time, i'd build a time machine and do it all differently, and then build another time machine to go back and do it all the same as the first time, but to be an asshole to the rest of the universe.
Sorry everyone.
Well... not really, but it has been an interesting few days, one of the highlights being:
Thought #1 - The World's Greatest Shave
This was a big day with a few good things coming out of it, mostly my face like this:
Yes, that says "I like boys" on my forehead
My legs going through this:
Sorry everyone.
Well... not really, but it has been an interesting few days, one of the highlights being:
Thought #1 - The World's Greatest Shave
This was a big day with a few good things coming out of it, mostly my face like this:
Yes, that says "I like boys" on my foreheadMy legs going through this:
Silky and smooth
My singing and playing completely underwhelming everybody:
Turn that crap off!!
And everyone joining in on ultimate scissors paper rock, where the winner was just so overwhelmed:
He was thrilled
Even though I hardly knew anyone, it was a good day and for a great cause. Everyone who I didn't know was left with the impression that I'm a complete tool, and everyone who I did know was sick of me as I hung around them like a bad smell.
Perfect way to make friends.
Thought #2 - Nosepick
One of the most common things people have with each other is that they picked their nose at least once in their past week. It might have been in bed or with people and pretending to scratch their nose, but you know you did it at some point. Good ol' boogie. Green gold. I think is was created just so children, retards and people in cars have something to snack on when they're bored. It comes in an easy to reach place and theres usually plenty of it.
Even the Queen does it
The funny thing is that kids complain about having to eat stuff considered food, like broccholi, beans and spam, but will willingly dig their finger into their own nose, pick a winner and stick it in their mouth for a chew. Reminds me of a little poem (no, it doesn't involve kumquats):
Max sat on the burning deck, picking his nose like mad
Rolled it into little balls and pinged them at his dad
Beautiful poem
Thought #3 - My first third thought
*Insert reflective rant (If you prefer my more humourous posts, stop reading here)*
Don't ever get sleeplessness.
It sucks.
It makes your brain wander and wander within those hours you're awake.
What's worse, is that MY brain wanders, and that's never good. And it starts to wander about emotional crap. Life, relationships, ideas... you know...
This leads to even worse insomnia because of my thinking.
And ta-da you have me on around 3-6 hours sleep most nights.
... gotta love those rare sleep-ins.
Anyhoo, random fact time:
*Fish can hiccup*
Hooroo all!
My singing and playing completely underwhelming everybody:
Turn that crap off!!And everyone joining in on ultimate scissors paper rock, where the winner was just so overwhelmed:
He was thrilledEven though I hardly knew anyone, it was a good day and for a great cause. Everyone who I didn't know was left with the impression that I'm a complete tool, and everyone who I did know was sick of me as I hung around them like a bad smell.
Perfect way to make friends.
Thought #2 - Nosepick
One of the most common things people have with each other is that they picked their nose at least once in their past week. It might have been in bed or with people and pretending to scratch their nose, but you know you did it at some point. Good ol' boogie. Green gold. I think is was created just so children, retards and people in cars have something to snack on when they're bored. It comes in an easy to reach place and theres usually plenty of it.
Even the Queen does itThe funny thing is that kids complain about having to eat stuff considered food, like broccholi, beans and spam, but will willingly dig their finger into their own nose, pick a winner and stick it in their mouth for a chew. Reminds me of a little poem (no, it doesn't involve kumquats):
Max sat on the burning deck, picking his nose like mad
Rolled it into little balls and pinged them at his dad
Beautiful poem
Thought #3 - My first third thought
*Insert reflective rant (If you prefer my more humourous posts, stop reading here)*
Don't ever get sleeplessness.
It sucks.
It makes your brain wander and wander within those hours you're awake.
What's worse, is that MY brain wanders, and that's never good. And it starts to wander about emotional crap. Life, relationships, ideas... you know...
This leads to even worse insomnia because of my thinking.
And ta-da you have me on around 3-6 hours sleep most nights.
... gotta love those rare sleep-ins.
Anyhoo, random fact time:
*Fish can hiccup*
Hooroo all!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
#2 - Couldn't wait...
I couldn't wait another whole week to blog my heart out. I knew I had to spill some of my random thoughts to some random people who are drunk, smacked the keyboard twice and came up with "Plogywid" on Google search, and who would love to read some random stupid thoughts.
Anyway...
Thought # 1 - Funny Words
Ever noticed how some words are just hilarious. For example, i'd be in a conversation, and someone would just use the word "moist" and the imagery you get from it is just hilarious. Just a few words that I find hilarious (excuse the dots, it doesn't register more than once space)
Soy...............................................Phagocyte.
Bunyip.........................................Elephant.
Ointment.....................................Herpes.
Fern.............................................Anenome.
Shampoo.....................................Nipple.
Turnip.........................................Michael Jackson.
Egg...............................................Emu.
Moon...........................................Teabag.
Fish..............................................Hippo.
Alpaca..........................................Moist.
Ferret..........................................Percy.
As I said... just a few.
But I garuntee that you laughed at at least one of the words there.
Also just resist saying "ointment" . You know you want to say it. Just one more time.
Thought #2 - Things you shouldn't laugh at but you still do.
You know those small things that happen every day that you know you shouldn't laugh at, but you still do. Can happen to both animals and hunmans. A case example would be:
A man which is a bit on the chubby side is running to catch up to a bus which he just missed. I know you're laughing at the imagery.
Another one:
You just see someone get pooped on by a bird. You know it happens to you sometimes and you hate it when people laugh at you, but you laugh anyway.
Something like this
I must be just a mean person, but it sometimes is just funny.
Another few case examples:
And if you're on 56k net, you fail too.
Anyway, I better stop, otherwise I'd ramble on too much.
*Baby fetuses burp*
Hooroo all!
Anyway...
Thought # 1 - Funny Words
Ever noticed how some words are just hilarious. For example, i'd be in a conversation, and someone would just use the word "moist" and the imagery you get from it is just hilarious. Just a few words that I find hilarious (excuse the dots, it doesn't register more than once space)
Soy...............................................Phagocyte.
Bunyip.........................................Elephant.
Ointment.....................................Herpes.
Fern.............................................Anenome.
Shampoo.....................................Nipple.
Turnip.........................................Michael Jackson.
Egg...............................................Emu.
Moon...........................................Teabag.
Fish..............................................Hippo.
Alpaca..........................................Moist.
Ferret..........................................Percy.
As I said... just a few.
But I garuntee that you laughed at at least one of the words there.
Also just resist saying "ointment" . You know you want to say it. Just one more time.
Thought #2 - Things you shouldn't laugh at but you still do.
You know those small things that happen every day that you know you shouldn't laugh at, but you still do. Can happen to both animals and hunmans. A case example would be:
A man which is a bit on the chubby side is running to catch up to a bus which he just missed. I know you're laughing at the imagery.
Another one:
You just see someone get pooped on by a bird. You know it happens to you sometimes and you hate it when people laugh at you, but you laugh anyway.
Something like thisAnother few case examples:
And if you're on 56k net, you fail too.
Anyway, I better stop, otherwise I'd ramble on too much.
*Baby fetuses burp*
Hooroo all!
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
#1 - We've begun!
Why oh why did I start a blog?
Ohhh... that's right, like most people I wanted to express thoughts and feelings that nobody would read about.
Who cares anyway?
I do, but that's a story for another day.
Anyhoo, onto random thoughts.
Thought #1 - Big Brother:
Who on god's earth honestly enjoys watching this dribble? I have much better things to do than watch a bunch of bogans in some over-fancy house dressed in a singlet and ugg boots discuss the finer points of what goes into a blender or which floss is best for their toenails. What's worse is there is some freaky guy watching them 24/7 and telling them what to do as if they're mindless drones. I think the guy might look something like this:
Ohhh... that's right, like most people I wanted to express thoughts and feelings that nobody would read about.
Who cares anyway?
I do, but that's a story for another day.
Anyhoo, onto random thoughts.
Thought #1 - Big Brother:
Who on god's earth honestly enjoys watching this dribble? I have much better things to do than watch a bunch of bogans in some over-fancy house dressed in a singlet and ugg boots discuss the finer points of what goes into a blender or which floss is best for their toenails. What's worse is there is some freaky guy watching them 24/7 and telling them what to do as if they're mindless drones. I think the guy might look something like this:
I knew it...
The fact is, you'd need to be a mindless drone to even enter big brother, let alone to watch it. Actually, even drones would be embarrassed to go on the show. Thank heavens that this is most likely the last season of it, and I can go bad to watching re-runs of Simpsons or Futurama over and over again like most other people enjoy.
Thank God for Foxtel. Just gives us more crap to watch.
Thought #2 - Uni assessments
Who in their right mind creates these small tasks from hell? And here's the stupid thing, why on earth pile them all up at once??? For pete's sake, my 4 subjects had about 2 assessments due each all within 2 weeks. Now that wouldn't be so bad if it was spaced out a little, but NOOOOO, that's just too hard. They're all within the same building and same faculty too. Looks like there's lots of communication there...
Well, at least I'm finished except for one performance which is improv. Free improv. Not all that difficult.
Also what shits me to tears is the complete bias towards classical music and how its basically so much better than anything else. One of the lecturers I have only listens to classical. Nothing else, and when we get to do a presentation on music we like (this is popular music) we usually get this reaction:
I'll also put a random fact each week so everyone can have some IQ points left:
*In Equitorial Guinea, it's illegal to name your child Monica.*
Hooroo all!
The fact is, you'd need to be a mindless drone to even enter big brother, let alone to watch it. Actually, even drones would be embarrassed to go on the show. Thank heavens that this is most likely the last season of it, and I can go bad to watching re-runs of Simpsons or Futurama over and over again like most other people enjoy.
Thank God for Foxtel. Just gives us more crap to watch.
Thought #2 - Uni assessments
Who in their right mind creates these small tasks from hell? And here's the stupid thing, why on earth pile them all up at once??? For pete's sake, my 4 subjects had about 2 assessments due each all within 2 weeks. Now that wouldn't be so bad if it was spaced out a little, but NOOOOO, that's just too hard. They're all within the same building and same faculty too. Looks like there's lots of communication there...
Well, at least I'm finished except for one performance which is improv. Free improv. Not all that difficult.
Also what shits me to tears is the complete bias towards classical music and how its basically so much better than anything else. One of the lecturers I have only listens to classical. Nothing else, and when we get to do a presentation on music we like (this is popular music) we usually get this reaction:
You listen to WHAT!!??
And when they put all this stupid talk on you, which makes complete sense in their head and makes no sense in yours, you end up looking like this:
This just speaks for itself
Oh well. Its better just to do it than fight it I guess....
This just speaks for itselfOh well. Its better just to do it than fight it I guess....
I'll also put a random fact each week so everyone can have some IQ points left:
*In Equitorial Guinea, it's illegal to name your child Monica.*
Hooroo all!
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